Twisted Humor - Wordplay Jokes
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A boy is looking up at the sky and sees something, but he doesn't know what it is.
He asks his mother but she can't tell so she points him to his brother.
But again his brother has no idea, so he points him to his father.
Finally the boy asks his father, but his father has no idea either.
So his father points him back to his mother.
At this point the boy knows what it is, because it takes 3 points to define a plane.
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My wife and I took out life insurance policies on one another… so now it’s just a waiting game.
-Bil Dwyer
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Here would be my Valentine’s card that I think I’m gonna send to my boyfriend, “Things have been going so well thus far, I will find more ways to become unavailable to you.”
-Janeane Garofalo
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My girlfriend is not a ball and chain. She’s more of a spring-loaded trap.
-Kevin Hench
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Men get jealous more often, but women when they do go demented sometimes, and for weird reasons. I never thought that until I got married, and one day my wife came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty woman on the bus she thought I would have liked. “You bastard, you’re horrible.”
-Ray Romano
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If people on Jeopardy are so smart, then why can’t they write their names better?
-Todd Glass
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The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. You perform surgery on dead people. What’s the worst that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
-Dennis Miller
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One time I tried getting a job at a submarine sandwich shop. Only they wanted me to take a lie detector test just in order to apply for the job. What the hell am I going to lie about in a sub shop? Did they fear someone would ask for roast beef and I’d say no? “How much is the tuna?” “Thousands.”
-Paula Poundstone
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I was an accountant. I wasn’t a very good accountant. I always felt that if you got within two or three bucks of it, that was close enough.
-Bob Newhart
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I was a stewardess for a while on a helicopter. For about five or six people, tops. I’d ask, “Would you like something to drink? You would? Then we’re going to have to land.”
-Rita Rudner
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I was on a job interview, and was asked what my dream job would be. I said, “The words ‘dream’ and ‘job’ don’t really go together for me. How about ‘dream, no job.’ Do you have that?”
-Chris Mancini
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It’s so humiliating to go on job interviews, especially when they ask, “What was the reason you left your last job?” “Well, I found that after I was fired there was a lot of tension in the office. You know, I found it difficult sitting on the new girl’s lap.”
-Caroline Rhea
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Hey, kids! It’s mostly bullshit and garbage and none of the stuff they tell you is true. And when your dumb-ass father says he wants you to amount to something, he means make a lot of money. How do you think the word “amount” got in there?
-George Carlin
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Kids? It’s like living with homeless people. They’re cute but they just chase you around all day long going, “Can I have a dollar? I’m missing a shoe! I need a ride!”
-Kathleen Madigan
