Blonde Jokes - Humor for All Ages
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A blonde girl is at a ventriloquist act.
The ventriloquist starts to tell a bunch of blonde jokes and everybody in the room is laughing hysterically.
The blonde girl stands up and yells "Hey jerk! Not all blondes are dumb. You need to stop with the cheap jokes!"
The ventriloquist says "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"
The blonde interrupts him "Stay out of it! I was talking to the little man on your leg."
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We used to drive by the homeless and wonder what we could do to help. Now we say, “Lock the doors.” I think most people would rather help them. But these days you can’t even suggest it. You’re driving by a homeless guy and say, “Should we pick that guy up?” “No, he could get up if he wanted to.” “But he’s only got one leg.” “Well, he shouldn’t have fallen down then, should he?”
-Louie Anderson
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I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.
-Steven Wright
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I would do anything for the homeless. Give them money. Whatever. You know why? Because I don’t want them moving into my house.
-Paul Rodriguez
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I filled out a rental application that asked, “Do you own any liquid-filled furniture?” Couldn’t they just have said “waterbed”? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture are there? “Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?”
-Lisa Goich
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I wanted to buy some carpeting, you know how much they want for carpeting? Fifteen dollars a square yard! And I’m sorry, I ’m not going to pay that for carpeting. So what I did, I bought two square yards, and when I go home I strap them to my feet.
-Steve Martin
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My mother wrapped the living room furniture in plastic. We practiced safe sitting in our household.
-Adam Ferrara
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I have a little house in L.A. It’s nice. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don’t open unless I lick them.
-Judy Gold
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Remember when Michael Jackson wanted to buy the remains of the Elephant Man? What was he thinking? Let’s see- Michael was walking around his palace going, “In that comer, I just don’t know… A palm tree, an end table, naw… a dead guy! Yeah, that’s it.”
- Paul Rodriguez
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
-George Carlin
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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
-Steven Wright
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Why do they put lights on vacuum cleaners? To see the dirt? I don’t want to see the dirt, that’s why I vacuum.
-Jeannie Dietz
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I never get tired of housework, I don’t do any. When guests come to visit, I just put out drop-cloths and say we’re painting.
-Joan Rivers
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My mother used to say, “You can eat off my floor.” You can eat off my floor, too. There’s thousands of things there.
-Elayne Boosler
