Tragic Jokes - Silly Humor
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John, Phil, and Tyler are driving down a highway and their car breaks down.
It's a three hour walk to the gas station.
They plan to carry their gas tank there and bring it back full.
For the first hour John will tell a happy story, for the next hour Phil will tell a sad story, and for the last hour Tyler will tell a scary story.
After two hours of walking it is Tyler's turn and he says "Okay guys... I forgot the money."
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My father was so cheap. For Easter, we’d wear the same clothes, but he’d take us to a different church.
-A.J. Jamal
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I have these two lesbian friends in L.A. They’re having a kid, they’re going to a sperm bank. But I like to torture them. I called them up the other day and said, “What are you going to do for Father’s Day, go out to dinner with the turkey baster?”
-Judy Gold
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Evangelists say Halloween is the devil’s holiday. What a lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going, “I’ve got control of the major corporations, churning out weapons and toxic waste, but how can I get candy? Let me think… I’ll get the children of the world to dress up as hobos and Power Rangers--and then I’ll have all the bite-size Three Musketeers I need! I am Satan!”
-Patton Oswalt
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In Hollywood, children don’t wear masks on Halloween. They usually dress up as agents, valet parkers, or second-unit directors instead.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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I’m glad that Hanukkah’s over, because I never know what to get my parents. Last year I bought them a gift certificate for Dr. Kevorkian. So I didn’t think this year would be a problem, but I guess they forgot to look at the expiration date.
-Cathy Ladman
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When I was little I asked my mother, “Do you love me‘?” She said, “I love you when you’re sleeping. When I was fourteen, I asked, “Mom, am I ugly?” She said, “It’s okay, when you’re sixteen you can get a nose job.” When I was leaving for school, she said, “I don’t know why we’re spending any money to send you to college… you don’t deserve it.” When I came home for Mother’s Day, she asked, “Where’s my present?” I said, “Your present is… I still only have one personality, and it’s not planning to kill you!”
-Robin Roberts
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At Thanksgiving, my mom always makes too much food, especially one item, like 700 or 800 pounds of sweet potatoes. She’s got to push it during the meal. “Did you get some sweet potatoes? . . . They’re hot. There ’s more in the oven… some more in the garage. The rest are at the Johnsons’.”
-Louie Anderson
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There’s a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don’t buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train.
-David Letterman
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The Jews don’t have any little animated characters. I think their religion could catch on more commercially if, you know… the Hanukah raccoon, the Passover turtle… something.
-Paula Poundstone
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New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
-Jay Leno
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I always give homeless people money, and my friends yell at me, “He’s only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.” And I’m thinking, “Oh, and like I wasn’t?”
-Kathleen Madigan
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