Irish Humor - Funny Jokes
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An Englishman is walking down the Irish countryside and stops at a river to take a drink.
He cups a hand and gets some water.
Just as he is about to drink a shepherd yells to him in a thick Irish accent, "Don't drink out the river, it's full of sheep pee!"
The Englishman replies, "I don't understand a word you are saying. I'm English. What'd you say?"
The shepherd replies, "Use both hands, you'll get more that way."
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My grandmother, who’s in her nineties, she still drives. People hear that and say, “God love her.” But no one will get in the car with her. “No, we don’t need a ride, Ada. We’ll just hitchhike.” She has a 1962 Dodge Dart, it has the push-button transmission. At this point it’s like a damn slot machine. She’s hit so many motorcycles, there are stencils of motorcycles painted on the side of the car.
-Garry Shandling
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This country loves guns, we even have salad shooters. This country thinks that salad is too peaceable, you have to find some way to shoot it.
-Bill Maher
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The Second Amendment gave us the right to bear arms in order to have a ready militia. It’s not for traffic incidents.
-Paula Poundstone
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Congress voted against a proposal to have a national seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Is a week a long time to wait? To see if a former mental patient is qualified to own an Uzi? Come on, it takes three weeks to get a phone!
-Jimmy Tingle
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Remember, kids, guns aren’t for fun. Guns are for killing things like songbirds, and deer, and intruders, and mailboxes, and Spice Girls, and busybodies who just won’t leave your cult alone, and women who don’t understand you’re the best man for them. That may sound crazy, but when you’re holding a gun, you decide who’s crazy. ’Cause kids, remember, guns don’t kill people… unless you practice real hard.
-Bill Maher
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Virginia has passed a law limiting people to the purchase of one gun per person per month. But if you can show the need for more than one gun a month, you can apply to the police for an exemption. “Listen, officer, we’ve got a really dysfunctional family here, and…”
-George Carlin
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The FBI recently released the information that most of the guns in New York City came from five southern states. The rest came from the backseat of a car owned by the Wutan clan.
-Colin Quinn
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Please people, if you don’t have a gun, for God’s sake go out and get one. Because you never know when you’re gonna be downtown someday, it’s cold and dark, and all of a sudden you’re gonna need some money.
-Harland Williams
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What’s with the NRA? They don’t want to outlaw automatic weapons. I guess you have to understand where they’re coming from. They feel it’s okay to shoot a human, as long as you eat the meat after.
-Elayne Boosler
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I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, “Did you know it’s time for your annual check-up?” No. But now my mailman does. Why don’t you just send me a Petrie dish while you’re at it?
-Cathy Ladman
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Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.
-Carrie Snow
