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A new father is sitting down with his father for a drink.
His dad tells him, "Now that you're a father yourself it's time I give you something."
He replies, "Dad, you're not talking about-."
His father interrupts, "Yes. It's time." With this he hands him a copy of '1000 Dad Jokes, 6th Edition' to his son.
He says with a tear in his eye, "Dad, I'm honored."
"Hi honored," his father replies, "I'm dad."
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Oprah Winfrey issued a statement saying that even though she appeared on the Ellen coming-out episode, she’s not gay. Meanwhile, Ellen DeGeneres issued a statement saying even though she appeared on Oprah, she’s not black.
-Conan O’Brien
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Some people have a lot of vanity. They say, “I only wear glasses when I drive.” If you only need glasses when you drive, why not drive around with a prescription windshield!
-Brian Regan
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Yesterday I was walking down the street wearing my eyeglasses and all of a sudden my prescription ran out.
-Steven Wright
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My girlfriend just got glasses, and I think I’m in trouble. I heard her upstairs looking in the mirror and saying, “Wait a minute-I’m a model! Bye.”
-Chris Mancini
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The philosopher Pascal said you had to bet that there was a God or there wasn’t, but you couldn’t avoid the wager. Kind of like a cosmic Let's Make a Deal. Do you want to have fun in this life? Or trade it for what’s behind the final curtain?
-Frank Miles
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If I ever get the chance, I have a couple of questions I want to ask God, and it’s not the usual “Why is there suffering?” I’d like to know what was the biggest, grossest bug that ever crawled on anyone, but they didn’t notice, and then it crawled away.
-Julia Sweeney
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If God loves us all so much, how come he never makes rain taste minty? So everyone can have fresh breath. Well, Bob, he has more important things to do, there are people starving to death, after all. Yes! I know! I’m thinking of them! Especially starving people, you know how bad your breath gets when you haven’t eaten a thing in weeks?
-Bob Odenkirk
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I wonder why God didn’t give us wheels? He must have known we’d get skates for Christmas.
-Gallagher
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My grandfather lived to be 103 years old. The truth is, nobody knows what’s good for you. Every morning he would eat an entire raw onion and smoke a cigar. You know what his dying words were? Nobody knows, they couldn’t get near the guy.
-Jonathan Katz
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My grandfather was in this Russian, this Yiddish circus. He was a Jewish juggler. He used to worry about six things at once.
-Richard Lewis
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I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch.
-Alan Havey
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I’ve been storing my grandmother in Florida, but now I want to move her north to cooler weather. I figure she’ll keep better, and maybe that phlegm will break up. Each morning she’s in the bathroom for two hours making grotesque guttural noises. Sounds like she’s making espresso. She called yesterday to say she’d gone to the beauty parlor. I said, “Well, it’s your money.”
-Larry Amoros
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