SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A man is jogging down the road and takes a break on a bench.
He sees a boy eating a candy bar with a ton of wrappers sitting next to him.
The man tells him "Kid, it isn't good for you to sit there all day eating candy bars."
The kid scowls at him and says "Hey mister, my grandpa is 98 years old and still walking around."
The jogger asks him "And he sits around eating candy all day?"
The boy replies "No, but he minds his own business."
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I hate the expression “A friend is a present you give yourself.” Gag. A case of Heineken is a present you give yourself. A friend is someone you don’t have to talk to once there’s food on the table.
-Sabrina Matthews
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You need to have a stupid girlfriend so that on a bad day you can call her. “Tanya, I’m having a bad day, tell me something stupid you’ve done. You caught on fire, and you tried to put it out with alcohol?”
-Ellen Cleghorne
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My homeboy Tito was always trying to get me to join a gang. Tito, with two black eyes, arm in a sling, and crutches, saying, “Hey Willie, why don’t you join the gang? You get protection!”
-Willie Barcena
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Gardening is so complex. I can only grow simple plants, like mildew. My friend has a green thumb. She makes salad… it takes root. She has a hedge made out of broccoli.
-Jeannie Dietz
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Using the word “gay” as a euphemism for homosexual is fine, I guess. But I’ve always thought a word like “fabulous” might have been better. Sure would be a lot easier to tell your parents, “Mom, Dad… I’m fabulous! And my friends are fabulous, too!”
-Michael Greer
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My high school had a Head Start program for homosexuals-it was called Drama Club.
-Bob Smith
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Hillary Clinton says it takes a village to raise a child. Which I think is nice, but for a gay person it takes the Village People.
-Jason Stewart
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My parents were in denial about my being gay. I wasn’t afraid of the dark, I was afraid of unflattering light.
-Bob Smith
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Gay Republicans… how exactly does that work? “We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.”
-Paula Poundstone
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People think you’re a lesbian because you can’t get a man. Then explain to me why the only times in my life I’ve slept with men was when I couldn’t get a woman.
-Georgia Ragsdale
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Strange times we live in. A town in Florida with a street named Gay Avenue is changing its name because a resident says people automatically thought he was gay. He wants the new name of the street to be I Ain’t No Homo Lane.
-Conan O’Brien
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There’s this town in the midwest called Dyke. Women on their way to the Michigan Womyn’s Festival stop to have their pictures taken at the Dyke city limits sign. Apparently, the citizens of Dyke don’t appreciate this yearly pilgrimage. But if they don’t want us to visit, just change the name of the town to Uptight Straight White Guy-we’ll stay away.
-Sabrina Matthews
