SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road. They both have shovels.
One of them digs a hole and the other immediately fills it in.
The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, "You guys look like you're working hard. But I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish."
One of the blondes replies, "Well there's usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick."
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We don’t know how old the airplanes are and there’s really no way for us to tell, ’cause we’re laymen. But I figure if the plane smells like your grandmother’s house, get out. That’s where I draw the line.
-Garry Shandling
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The flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, “Oh, he’s good. I like his work.”
-David Spade
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I’m addicted to chocolate… I used to snort cocoa.
-Marilyn
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McDonald’s “breakfast for under a dollar” actually costs much more than that. You have to factor in the cost of coronary bypass surgery.
-George Carlin
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In Europe they use all the parts of the animal we throw away. Look in their dumpsters; there’s the prime rib. They’re saving the lungs and the pancreas for some kind of colon tartar.
-Jay Leno
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I look at rice cakes and think, who woke up one I morning and said, “Packing material, pressed into a disc, yummmmm”? A friend puts jam on rice cakes and considers it dessert. You could put Madonna on a rice cake, and I would still choose ice cream. .
-Sabrina Matthews
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I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
-George Carlin
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The formula for water is H20. Is the formula for an ice cube H20 squared?
-Lily Tomlin
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I saw a product in the market, Mr. Salty Pretzels. Isn’t that nerve? Everything nowadays is low salt or salt-free. Here’s a guy, the hell with you, Mr. Salty Pretzels. Like Mr. Tar and Nicotine Cigarettes, Mr. Gristle and Hard Artery Beefsteak.
-Bill Maher
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
-Steven Wright
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A government report says raw eggs may have salmonella, and may be unsafe. In fact, the latest government theory says it wasn’t the fall that killed Humpty Dumpty. He was dead before he hit the ground.
-Jay Leno
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Frankenstein was a strange monster. As a kid, I never understood him. He never caught any black people. No Mexicans either. He only went after very scared white people. He never went into the ghetto. A black guy with Nikes would have run circles around his ass. “Yeah, come on, Frankie, bring your green ass over here.” If Frankenstein went into the barrio, the Mexicans would’ve taken those bolts right out of his head. “Well, thanks, man. We need that shit for our tires. I’m glad you showed up, man. My wheel was loose.”
-Paul Rodriguez
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW