SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
One morning before a man leaves for work his wife asks him "Honey, do you know what today is?"
He nervously responds "Of course I do!" Then he leaves for work.
Throughout the day he sends his wife flowers, chocolate, and a card telling her to meet him at a certain expensive restaurant for dinner.
When he meets her at the restaurant she runs up to him and says "This has been the best Independence Day of my life!"
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My biggest irrational fear is of being kidnapped, but that’s so very seventies, so Chowcilla. I know that if I’m going to be afraid, it should be a more up-to-date, timely fear-like being shot in a drive-by, or murdered by a tacky, high school vampire cult that works out of a minivan.
-Dorothea Coelho
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When I say I’m a feminist, I make it clear I’m not anti-male, just anti-asshole. Having been an asshole myself, I realize that it’s a gender-free concept.
-Mimi Gonzalez
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I wanted to be a feminist in high school, but my boyfriend wouldn’t let me.
-Denis Munro Robb
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We’re fishing and my wife had a problem with killing the fish. I wasn’t crazy with that part either, but I figured, if we just wait for them to die naturally, it could take forever. Certainly till after supper.
-Paul Riser
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I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
-Steven Wright
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I like Florida. Everything is in the eighties, the temperature, the ages, and the IQs.
-George Carlin
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My parents moved to Florida. They didn’t want to, but they’re in their sixties, and that’s the law.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I’m afraid of planes. I don’t trust the oxygen mask. The little orange cup, attached to that bag that’s full of nothing. Maybe I’m cynical, I don’t even think that it’s an oxygen mask. I think it’s more to just muffle the screams.
-Rita Rudner
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There ought to be an FAA requirement that crying babies have to go into the overhead compartment.
-Bobby Slayton
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Limited carry-on-the stewardess said your carry-on bag had to fit in the ass of the passenger in front of you.
-Dennis Miller
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The Concorde was great. It travels at twice the speed of sound. Which is fun except you can’t hear the movie until two hours after you land.
-Howie Mandel
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The airlines banned smoking on their flights. Now if they can do it on their landings…
-Barry Crimmins
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The nicest thing about a plane crashing at an air show is that they always have good video of the actual crash.
-George Carlin
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Some people have the audacity to put a little bolt through their penis. Which makes me think it must be fun at the airport metal detector. “Will you take out your keys? Do you have any other metal on you? Yes? Will you take that out, too?”
-Robin Williams
