SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW
A burglar breaks into a house and while he's searching for valuables he hears "Jesus is watching you.”
He looks around but only sees a parrot in the corner.
He walks up to the parrot and asks "Are you the little guy who was talking to me?”
The parrot says "Yes, my name is Ronald.”
The burglar laughs and says "What kind of idiot gives a parrot a stupid name like that.”
The parrot laughs and says "The same idiot who names his Pit-bull Jesus."
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On edible underwear… I don’t know what the big deal is about these. You wear them for a couple of days, they taste just like the other ones.
-Tom Arnold
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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
-Emo Philips
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I’m not ashamed of my body, I just don’t see any reason to not cover it up as much as possible. I’m one of those people who think those garments the Amish women wear are a great idea for everyone, regardless of their religious affiliation. I’m someone who considered becoming a nun, for the outfits.
-Julia Sweeney
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My father looked at kids as additions to his tool kit. He got me, apparently, after thinking, “Oh, it’s snowing again. I’ll go back to bed and make a little snow-shoveling machine.”
-Bob Odenkirk
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My father wore the pants in the family--at least, after the court order.
-Vernon Chatman
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My father is amazing. One day, he taught me something very valuable. He took me aside and passed down some of his wisdom. He said, “If at the end of your life, you can count all of your friends, your really good friends, on just one hand, then you’ve been spending a lot of time alone in your room.” That’s what he told me. And his hand was in his pants when he said it.
-Bob Saget
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My father would say things that make no sense, like “If I were the last person on earth, some moron would tum left in front of me.”
-Louie Anderson
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My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said, “Screw it. I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.”
-Paul Rodriguez
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Forget low fat. My father used to take them hamburgers right off the grill, 95 percent fat, the other 5 percent lighter fluid.
-Jack Coen
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My dad didn’t like people as much as he liked his car. He even introduced it to people. “It’s my Bonneville,” he said. “My family’s over there.” Then he went on, “It’s an American-made car. You can drive it head-on into a train and live.” That was my cue to mutter, “You ought to try that, dad. The seven-fifteen’s coming around the bend.”
-Louie Anderson
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I’m a grown woman. but my father still thinks I know nothing about my car. He always asks me, “You changing the oil every 3,000?” “Yes, Dad. I ’m also putting sugar in the gas tank. That way my exhaust smells like cotton candy.”
-Mimi Gonzalez
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My father was so cheap. We’d eat Hamburger Helper with no hamburger.
-A. J. Jamal
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My dad’s so cheap. He’s always yelling at me for spending money. “Look at you, spending money, you’re such a big-shot.” Oh, yeah, buying food, paying rent. I’m just showing off.
-Cathy Ladman
SAVE the PIN and FOLLOW