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Little Timmy asked his dad "Where do people come from?"
His dad replied "Adam and Eve were the first people and they had children. Then their children had children and so on."
Later Timmy asked his mom the same question and she said "We evolved from monkeys."
Timmy went to his father and asked him why he lied and told him what his mother had said.
His dad replied "Your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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I have two stepchildren. They’re half Swedish and half Norwegian. They’re see-through.
-Cathy Ladman
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I’m a WASP, a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant, and actually, a lot of my people are doing really well.
-Penelope Lombard
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Two reasons I don’t think the Menendez brothers were really Latinos. One, we have a lot of respect for our parents and we’d never shoot them. Two, our parents would shoot back.
-George Lopez
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I was walking down the street and this man actually calls me a Chink! I was so mad: Chinks are Chinese; I’m Korean… I’m a Gook. If you’re going to be racist, at least get the terminology correct. Okay, Bubba?
-Margaret Cho
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Aerobics: Gay folk dancing.
-Bruce Smirnoff
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I got one of those Nordic tracks, and those are great. Although I hit a tree the other day.
-Garry Shandling
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I’m all sore, because I got on the Stairmaster today and fell off it for about forty-five minutes.
-Christopher Titus
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The only exercise program that has ever worked for me is occasionally getting up in the morning and jogging my memory to remind myself exactly how much I hate to exercise.
-Dennis Miller
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My grandmother began walking five miles a day when she was eighty-two. Now we don’t know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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Married people don’t have to exercise, because our attitude is “They’ve seen us naked already, and they like it.”
-Carol Montgomery
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I can’t work out in front of women. I don’t want them to see me when I’m on my way to my goal… which is them!
-Craig Shoemaker
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I don’t exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
-Joan Rivers
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I’ve been working out. I work out everything, except my ass. I don’t work out my ass because I never think of it, I never see it. Unless something has gone horribly wrong. To me, it’s a safety device to prevent me from falling in the toilet. So as long as it’s doing its job, I don’t have to make it look attractive, too. That’s just a little too much pressure.
-Garry Shandling
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You know, I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
-Ellen DeGeneres
