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A police officer pulls over a car full of old women.
He says, "Mam, you realize you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous."
She responds, "Isn't the speed limit 33?"
Laughing the cop says, "No man, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit.”
He looks into the back of the car and the women are frightened.
He asks, "What's wrong with them?"
The lady says, "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."
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The phrase Minimum Wage… What does that do for your self-esteem? Can’t we think of something else we can call it? Well, It’s Better Than Nothing Wage, I’m making the At Least I Don’t Live in Haiti Wage.
-David Cross
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I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I’m sure they’d give him a raise.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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You can’t believe how much hard work it is to con people into thinking that you’re productive and busy. Always thinking up things to tell them you’re going to do tomorrow, having to exaggerate every minute of your nowhere day . . . it’s worse than having a job. At least when you’re employed, when people ask about your day you can tell them to shut up and mind their own business.
-Drew Carey
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People make a living donating to sperm banks. Last year I let $500 slip through my fingers.
-Robert Schimmelnm
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I fell in love and I thought she fell in love with me, too. Are you familiar with the situation? I sat with an engagement ring, waiting for a response. I was a single guy with an engagement ring. It was like having a loaded gun laying around the house. I was frightened I’d marry somebody by accident.
-Jake Johannsen
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I wasn’t being entertained for over twenty minutes yesterday, and I started suffering withdrawal. I didn’t have a TV on, no book to read, no music playing, no video games, nothing. I got scared and sweaty and began shaking and wondered… Would I ever be entertained again? I was just about to feel an emotion… yes, an emotion inspired by real life. I mean it was just around the bend, and in the nick of time I made it to a cereal box and read the ingredients. Thank you, God!
-Bob Odenkirk
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What’s right is what’s left if you do everything wrong.
-Robin Williams
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Black folks have the coolest names… Arsenic, Oprah. And when my wife was thinking up names for the baby, I said why can’t we be black and just make up a name? That’s what black people do. You guys could be making love in the backseat of the Toyota, and name the kid Tercel.
-Bobcatby Slayton
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White friends, black people do not all look alike. It is you that look alike. All of you all are just white. Look at us, pecan, yellow, bright, black, mahogany.
-Redd Foxx
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Black names sound more like products you’d find in the drugstore. “My name is Advil, this is my wife, Cloret. Tylenol, you wanna turn the TV down, it’s givin’ me a headache! And the twins, Murine and Visine . . .”
-Daryl Sivad
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