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A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit”.
When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard it was, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels, and flung him over the table and across the room..
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth as hard as that."
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Do you ever wonder where all the farts go? They go up into the atmosphere and they form the fart zone. It’s right above the ozone layer, and that’s why we have to protect the ozone layer!
-Steve Martin
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I’m glad there’s a big old hole in the ozone… ’cause you can get a tan in a split second. “Hey, I’m starting to bubble up like a bad paint job. I’m saving money on X rays. I can see where I broke my arm as a kid.”
-Joe Keyes
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The other day I bought a wastepaper basket and carried it home in a paper bag. And when I got home I put the paper bag in the basket.
-Lily Tomlin
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I am heavily in debt. Right now my goal in life is to be just broke. I wanna get back to zero. Someday, I’m gonna have nothing. I’ll leave it to my kids. “See this? None of this is all yours.”
-Tom Ryan
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No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I’m sure it was Einstein who first stated: “Expense equals salary plus forty bucks.”
-Jeffrey Jena
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A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
-Marty Allen
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The economy is incredibly good. It’s too good. It’s happy, it’s excited. The GNP is up, the Dow Jones is up. Inflation is at its lowest level since 1963. I went to the ATM today, and I inserted my card… it moaned.
-Bill Maher
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I majored in animal husbandry in college, which is good, ’cause I married a couple of pigs.
-Sheila Kay
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My psychologist told me that a lot of men suffer from premature ejaculation. That’s not true… women suffer.
-Robert Schimmel
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I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.
-Rita Rudner
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We survived the 1980s. Back then, the economic program was called “trickle down.” That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this: “We have all the money, if we drop some, it’s yours. Go for it.”
-Bill Maher
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This is going to sound odd, but it’s absolutely true. Dr. Kevorkian has hired an apprentice, so he’ll be able to assist in more suicides. Apparently Kevorkian pays well, but he has the country’s worst health plan.
-Conan O’Brien
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I majored in nursing. I had to drop it. I ran out of milk.
-Judy Tenuta
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I used to Work at the International House of Pancakes. I know what you are thinking. Why? How’s that possible? But you set your goals and go for them. I made it happen. It was the worst job I ever had in my entire life. When people were rude to me, I touched their eggs. It’s true. I flipped them over in the back with my hand. Four times. They didn’t know, but I felt better.
-Paula Poundstone
