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The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says "I love liver and cheese.”
The Collie replies "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese.”
She says "Still not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says "Liver alone... cheese mine."
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I recently attended a pro-drug rally-in my basement.
-David Cross
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I’ve been trying to quit smoking pot. It was easier to become a vegetarian, because your friends will never show up at your house with a sack of beef saying, “Star Treks' on… twist up a link!”
-Brian Posehn
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If you’re new to antidepressants, try the new Flintstones Prozac formulated for anyone who ’s sad and has three toes.
-Leslie Nesbitt
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The war on drugs is a big waste of money. The government is pissing it away just so they can put on a big show for the people who are against drugs… just because those people happen to vote. See, I don’t think marijuana smokers get to the voting booth as often as they’d like to. “What, it was yesterday?”
-Drew Carey
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Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who’d be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
-George Carlin
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I’ll tell you when I stopped doing Quaaludes… when they stopped making them.
-Judy Toll
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I put my clothes in the cleaners and then don’t have the money to get them out. It’s like they’re in jail waiting on me to spring ’em.
-Paula Poundstone
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One way to tell when you’re having an earthquake is… your Jell-O stands still.
-Soupy Sales
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People in California just don’t care about earthquakes. They are apathetic. “Oh, look, the ground’s opening up. Oh, there goes my house. There goes my wife and kids. My car! Oh, crap, my Beamer! How am I going to get to work? Oh, there goes work! All right! Party!” I’m just scared there’s going to be a major earthquake at the time I’m getting a vasectomy.
-Bob Saget
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I went to a conference for bulimics and anorexics. It was a nightmare. The bulimics ate the anorexics. But it was okay, because they were back again in ten minutes.
-Monica Piper
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Remember… a developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns a house in the woods.
-Dennis Miller
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I had a great Earth Day. I drove around with my muffler off, flicking butts out the window, then I hit a deer.
-Drew Carey
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Underground nuclear testing, defoliation of the rain forests, toxic waste-let’s put it this way, if the world were a big apartment, we wouldn’t get our deposit back.
-John Ross
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