A guy takes his girlfriend to prom.
Before prom day he had to get a tuxedo.
The store had a very long line.
After he got out of the store he went to a florist to get a corsage.
At the shop he had to wait in an enormous line before buying the corsage.
When they arrive at prom they have to wait in an extremely long line at the door.
Once in, his girlfriend gets hungry so they wait in a long buffet line.
Then she gets thirsty and there is no punchline.
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I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the car pool lanes.
-Monica Piper
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This morning I woke up out of a dream, and I went right into a daydream.
-Steven Wright
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When I’m driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I’m not afraid of small children.
-Johnathan Katz
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One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us. We were through there in no time.
-Geechy Guy
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My mom’s the worst driver. She drives in that imaginary lane. “What are you doing over here, Mom?” “No one’s in it.”
-Louie Anderson
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The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”
-Emo Philips
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I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five-mile zone, but I told ’em I had dyslexia.
-Spanky
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The gas station attendant looks at the car and says, “You got a flat tire.” I said, “No, the other three just swelled up.”
-Bill Engvall
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I hate driving, and I hate when people honk at me. Unless I’m making a left tum. Then I like it because that’s how I know it’s time to tum.
-Rita Rudner
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I think all cars should have car phones in ’em and their license plates should be their phone number. So you can call ’em up and tell ’em to get the hell out of the way. Old people would have 800 numbers.
-John Mendoza
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Driving hasn’t been the same since I installed fun-house rearview mirrors.
-Steven Wright
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My mom taught me how to drive. I can’t drive worth a damn, but I can change all my clothes at a stoplight.
—Craig Shoemaker
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It’s not called cocaine anymore. It’s now referred to as “Crack Classic.”
-Billiam Coronel
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When my PTA was looking for fund-raising ideas I suggested, “Hey, let’s sell crack! Not to our kids-but there’s a public school down the street.”
-Bobcat Goldthwait
