A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
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I hate those new sport utility vehicles. I just got cut off by that new one, you know-the Ford Exhibitionist.
-Daryl Hogue
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A friend of mine has a car phone and he has an answering machine for it. The message is, “Hi, I’m home right now, so I can’t come to the phone. If you leave your name and number, I’ll call you when I’m out.”
-Steven Wright
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Ford and Microsoft are getting together so you can buy a car on-line. However, note this. If you order a Ford over your computer and your computer crashes, the car will also explode.
-Bill Maher
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I have a slow car that can’t beat anything. If my car were a professional basketball team, it would be the Los Angeles Clippers.
-Robert Murray
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I hate getting that smog check. Last week I bought a car, and it failed inspection. Which really sucks! Because the ozone layer is going, and soon we’re going to need to breathe the smog my car can create.
-Joel Warshaw
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They say that the car a man drives is an extension of his penis. Is that why so many men drive small, fast cars? You’d think they’d want to impress people by driving a 1968 Buick Le Sabre, missing a cylinder. Big and slow.
-Jennifer Valley
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I tell ya, nothin’ goes right. I bought a Japanese car. I turn on the radio. I don’t understand a word they’re sayin’.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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My best friend got a truck. But she didn’t want to be trendy, so she got a UPS truck. Laugh, but she can park it anywhere. Worldwide.
-Wendy Liebman
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My wife and I got ourselves on every mailing list in the free world. All you have to do is buy one distinctly dumb product you don’t need, and everyone with a catalog hears about it. “Hi! We understand you don’t care what you spend money on anymore.”
-Paul Riser
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I have cats because they have no artificially imposed, culturally prescribed sense of decorum. They live in the moment. If I had an aneurysm in the brain and dropped dead, I love knowing that, as the paramedics carry me out my cats are going to be swatting at that little toe tag.
-Paul Provenza
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Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
-Jeff Valdez
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Recently, a woman on an airplane shocked the other passengers when she breast-fed her cat in coach. True story. Now, I love my cat, she’s diabetic and I inject her with insulin twice a day, but I would never breast-feed a cat. Unless, of course, my snuggle-buggles was really hungry-wungry.
-Cathryn Michon
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