Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-Steven Wright
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The country of Jamaica has approved the growing of hemp for cat food. Experts say that if a cat spent its whole life eating hemp cat food, by the time it’s five it’ll have a street value of $22,000.
-Jay Leno
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My cat Ethel is an indoor cat, but somehow she is sneaking out at night. Because the other morning I found a stamp on her paw. I wouldn’t have noticed it myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it, and I said, “Hey, what’s that on your paw?”
-Ellen DeGeneres
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My cat has never been out of my apartment. Except when he goes to the vet, and they take his temperature rectally. So that’s what he thinks the outside is. Which bothers me, because he sees me go out every day.
-Jon Stewart
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One thing you can say about cats. They don’t have to worry about kissing each other’s asses, they can do that for themselves.
-Dwight
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, “See, that’s how it’s done.”
-Steven Wright
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The media is drawn to celebrities. We’ve even gotten to the point where we’re interviewing models. What do we expect to learn from a model? “I put lipstick on my lips. I walk that way when they tell me. I go to the bathroom by myself.”
-Jim Gaffigan
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We should pass a new law: Nobody can get famous just by sleeping with a celebrity and getting naked in a magazine. You have to make a contribution to society first. You can still be in Playboy, you just have to do something worthwhile beforehand. “I developed a vaccine, and I’d like to show you my breasts.” Go ahead, you’ve earned it.
-Elayne Boosler
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Cindy Crawford said that she lost five pounds in the first three months of pregnancy because she got morning sickness. But, of course, when you’re a supermodel with morning sickness, you’re throwing up for two.
-Jay Leno
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Doesn’t Prince Charles look like somebody kissed a frog, and it didn’t change all the Way?
-Wendy Liebman
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Essence magazine declared Puff Daddy their Man of the Year. Humble Puffy said, “Behind every great man is another great man’s music to sample.”
-Chris Rock
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After a fact-finding trip to El Salvador, the National Labor Committee reported that the manufacturer of Kathie Lee Gifford’s clothing line is still employing underage workers. Kathie Lee says those kids aren’t making clothes, they’re just contestants on her new quiz show, Who Wants to Have Enough Money to Buy Rice?
-Craig Killborn
