Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way.
The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How's the water?”
The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the heck is water?"
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I’ve been in remission from breast cancer for three years, and the hardest part was losing my breast. Now when I really want something, I can’t say, “I’d give my left tit for that.”
-Liz Sells
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Coffee has carcinogens, causes cancer. And it also has caffeine. So not only are you dying, you watch yourself go.
-Jackie Mason
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You Show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet.
-George Carlin
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Scientists say they’ve found the way to turn normal cells into cancerous cells. Hello? That’s called smoking.
-Jay Leno
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My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, jujubes, SweeTARTS. I don’t think they wanted a child, I think they wanted a piñata.
-Wendy Liebman
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Banker is swimming in the water. A shark comes toward him and veers away. Professional courtesy.
-Henny Youngman
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When we were growing up my mother told my brother he was a pain in the neck. He became a chiropractor. I’m glad she didn’t call him a pain in the ass.
-Joel Warshaw
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My father wanted me to become a doctor, but I wanted to do something that required more imagination. So we compromised, and I became a hypochondriac.
-Wally Wang
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A congressional hearing was held to address a nationwide shortage of firefighters. According to several employment experts, part of the problem is that many young people today are opting for better-paying jobs that don’t involve such a high risk of catching on fire.
-Craig Kilborn
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Realtors are people who did not make it as used-car sales-men.
-Bob Newhart
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Shakespeare said, “Kill all the lawyers.” That was before agents.
-Robin Williams
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They recall a lot of cars. “We gotta get those cars back. We don’t recall putting brakes in them.”
-Evan Davis
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Driving a convertible has changed my eating habits while driving. I used to eat those Hostess Mini Donut Gems with the white powdered sugar. Now at times I find I’m eating a bald donut with white junk on my face. “ But, Officer, it was a donut!”
-Paula Poundstone
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When you’re a dad you can’t keep your cool car. Fancy stereo, power windows, sunroof-the kids will kill all that stuff. Take an ordinary cookie. In the hands of a kid it becomes a sugar hand grenade. You take the car into the shop because chocolate chips are clogging the carburetor.
-Sinbad
