A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
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In Los Angeles, you have to have breast implants. And an A-cup entitles you to park in a handicapped spot.
-Jeannie Dietz
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I’ve got small boobs, and shopping for bras is torture, There’s this new Water Bra, so you squish if someone hugs you. Mine had to be filled with so much water Sea World called. They’re looking for a new habitat for Shamu.
-Daryl Hogue
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Fake breasts, women always say, “You know they’re not real, don’t you? She bought them.” I don’t care if they’re real. I want to buy some, too. For the house, put them in different rooms. And on the dashboard of the car, for when I’m driving.
-Arsenio Hall
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Since I’ve been in remission for cancer, my four-year-old son has asked questions about my breast prosthesis. I put it in a box at night and take it out in the morning when I get
dressed. For Share Day my son asked, “Mommy, can I take your breast in a box to school?” I said, “Yes but be sure to return it. Daddy’s going to need it tonight.”
-Liz Sells
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Older brothers invented terrorism. “Louie, see that swamp? There’s a monster in it.” So for years I walked way around it.Until I got a little older, a little wiser--and a little brother.
-Louie Anderson
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My brother Clyde is a big old guy. When you open the dictionary to cool, Clyde’s picture is there. Clyde has his own theme music. When he walks down the street or into a room, you can hear him coming.
-Whoopi Goldberg
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A Jew dies, zoom, into the ground immediately. Gentiles have a wake, four days, eight shows a day, like vaudeville. Jews bury so quickly that old Jewish people are afraid to take a nap lest they be mistaken for dead.
-Robert Klein
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I don’t understand camping. Maybe it’s because I’m from New York, where we call it homeless. I am not leaving my apartment to go lay outside.
-Karen Williams
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A friend of mine says Jewish people don’t camp. We do, we just have it catered. So I was camping up in the Sequoias, at the Sheraton . . .
-Garry Shandling
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Camping. That’s what I call getting drunk outside.
-Dave Attell
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I hate camping. I don’t see the fun in paying money to basically live like a homeless person. If I wanted to sleep in a tent for a night, it would be outside the mall the night before Nordstrom’s half-yearly sale.
-Stephanie Schiern
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.
-Steven Wright
