A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink.
The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard.
But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"
John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it.
So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics.
He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared.
He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation.
After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
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People are questioning Whether Michael Jackson is really the father of his children. I’d say that the odds are about the same as the odds that Melissa Etheridge is the father of her child.
-Mike Brennan
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That Mick Jagger, he could French-kiss a moose. He’s got child-bearing lips.
-Joan Rivers
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Ally McBeal, maybe it’s time you tried an Ally McVeal.
-David Spade
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E! was interviewing Kate Moss once and she said, “It’s hard to be a model. Walking is hard, you’ve got to remember—right, left. And when you go down the runway, you have to turn around. I forgot to turn around one time, and I was lost for a week.”
-LeMaire
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I’m from Kentucky, a place with very few celebrities, but I did meet Colonel Sanders once. And my mom would always remind me, “Colonel Sanders is an icon of America!” Yeah, he’s the Adolf Hitler of the chicken world. The man responsible for more animal deaths than every oil spill, baby seal hunt, and Ted Nugent barbecue combined.
-Jim Wyatt
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger lost her court battle to prevent twenty-year-old nude pictures of her from being posted on the Internet. This is a terrible, terrible thing. Every time some celebrity is embarrassed by nude photos coming out, it makes it harder for us to get our girlfriends to pose naked.
-Colin Quinn
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When I found out that Steven Spielberg has two black kids, I was amazed. Where did he get those kids from? Were they props left over from The Color Purple?
-Damon Wayans
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Steve Tyler of Aerosmith has such a set of teeth on him, when he goes to the dentist, the dentist says, “Nurse, get some X-rays of Mr. Tyler’s mouth, when we get the Imax equipment.”
-Garry Shandling
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My ex cheated, and came up with the worst lies in history. Four in the morning, she comes in with a champagne bottle, and when I ask, “Where were you?” she says, “I was seal hunting.”
-Richard Lewis
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My parents worked in theater, so I was raised around show people. When I was three they’d take me to a bar and make me stand on the table to sing show tunes. I was the only kid in preschool who asked for a Bud Light before I’d sing the alphabet song.
-Thyra Lees-Smith
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I grew up the baby of eight kids, in a two-bedroom house. Ma never had to worry about curfew. You came home late, you didn’t have any place to sleep. My brother was in bed
five o’clock in the afternoon, eating dinner.
-Mark Curry
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Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I asked him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
