A jockey is about to enter a race on a new horse.
The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
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They say that blondes have more fun. Blondes don’t have more fun, people just expect so little from them, they have all the free time in the world.
-Stephanie Hodge
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If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?
-Lily Tomlin
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A Watched pot never boils. But it does get paranoid.
-Lesley Wake
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It’s an ill wind that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
-Phillis Diller
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You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
-Johnny Carson
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I hate clichés. They’re such a bunch of hooey. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Yeah, shoot it and keep all the food for yourself.
-Ann Oelschlager
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They say, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” No, yesterday was. Today is the second day, when I realized it wasn’t such a good idea to eat at Denny’s after all.
-Jared Krichevsky
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When you’re a kid, your mother’s job is to make you look like a dork. The mittens pinned to your jacket, the Elmer Fudd earflap hat, the rubber boots with the wonder bread bags over your feet. And, of course, the piece de résistance, the snow pants. There’s an outfit that screams, “Beat the shit out of me, and take my lunch money!”
-Dennis Miller
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Exercise fosters unhealthy ideas about small, clingy shirts and low-slung jeans. Constricting clothing limits oxygen flow to the brain, thereby reducing personality capacity among the physically fit. The sins of pride are usually located near the StairMaster. So stay pure, and sit down’
-Janeane Garofalo
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I’m reading “Hints from Heloise,” and she says that if you put an angora sweater in the freezer for an hour, it won’t shed for the rest of the day. And I’m thinking, “My cat sheds an awful lot.”
-Ellen DeGeneres
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For men, upon marriage you lose the ability to choose clothing for yourself. “Honey, what do you think? A striped shirt and a solid tie, or a solid shirt and a pair of mukluks? A Beatle wig and a grass skirt? Tell me, because I haven’t used that part of my brain in several years. Why don’t you just choose something, lay it out, and I’l1 be in the crib until we have to leave.”
-Paul Riser
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I have two different colored socks on. But to me they’re the same, because I go by thickness.
-Steven Wright
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I was out of clean underwear. I had to dig through the drawer for that Undie of Last Resort. Some briefs from the Ming dynasty, with a safety pin. Finally I get all desperate, got a tube sock, some duct tape —I’m a panty McGyver. Can’t find panties, I will make my own,
-Aisha Tyler
