Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
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You ever wear a bathing suit ’cause you’ve run out of clean underwear?
—Louis C. K.
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I went to college, I graduated. I majored in alcoholism, with a minor in communications. Which now qualifies me to speak drunk in public.
-Joel Warshaw
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I had a dual major in college, engineering and English. But I never completed the liberal arts degree, because I already knew how to get a minimum wage job by myself.
-Wally Wang
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When kids go to college now, they bring personal computers. When I went to college, everyone brought a personal bong. And if you didn’t have one, you could always sign up for time at the University Bong Center.
-Norman K.
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I think football is an important part of college life. At sone schools, it’s the only chance the team gets to see the campus.
-Gene Perret
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My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated. Now he’s suing them for wasting seven years of his life.
-Mike Binder
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Comedy is when you accidentally fall off a cliff and die. Tragedy is when I have a hangnail.
-Mel Brooks
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There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
-Will Rogers
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People always ask me, “Were you funny as a child?” No, I was an accountant.
-Ellen Degeneres
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When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me.
-Carrot Top
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Only a man will think of a burp as a greeting for another man.
-Tim Allen
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The two most beautiful words in the English language are “check enclosed.”
-Dorothy Parker
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I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
-Lily Thomlin
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I’m shopping, and I caught this guy who’s comparing apples and oranges. So I walked over and said, “Hey, you can’t do that.” He said, “Why not?” “Because it would be like … forget it.”
-James Leemer
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As anyone who has ever tried to purchase a PC knows, computer technology moves faster than Luciano Pavarotti going after a Cinnabun. No matter which computer you buy, no matter how much you spend, by the time you get it to your car—it’s an eight-track tape player.
-Dennis Miller
