Longer Jokes Are Funny Stuff
A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch.
"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"
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I’m officially middle-aged. I don’t need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.
—Jonathan Katz
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My sister Kathryn has some crazy Ideas about getting older. After forty years as a brunette, when her hair turned white, she decided that she’d become an albino. Yeah, Sis, and your wrinkles mean you’re a shar-pei.
—Daryl Hogue
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You know you’re getting older when you get that one candle on your cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
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My uncle Max, he’s ninety-four and still going strong. But sometimes he gets confused. He’s marrying his third wife, and when I asked him, “Where’s the honeymoon?” He said, “Viagra Falls.”
—Fran Chernowsky
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I finally understand why they let people with small children board first. Not because you need more time to put things away; they want to spare you all the dirty looks.
—Paul Riser
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Booze makes you loud. It’s written on the label, “Alcohol percent by volume.”
—Mark Lundholm
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With my parents it was Alcoholics Unanimous. The first time I polished off a bottle of alcohol, it had a nipple on it. In my family, that was called baby-sitting.
—Atom
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Jack Daniel’s is a wild man drink. It should come with bail money. ‘Cause on Jack you don’t know where you’re going to end up. But when you get there, you’re not going to be wearing pants.
—Dave Attell
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Women don’t get mad at you about something you just did. They have precision memory, for everything you’ve ever done. Time, date, place, what you said, and your hand position when you said it. This memory will never crash. You bury her, and from six feet under you’ll hear a muffled shout, “At the church picnic, nineteen eighty-five. What kind of look was that you gave Kenesha, Mister Big Eyes!”
—Sinbad
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My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years, it’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either.
—Greg Proops
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We get upset when dolphins get caught in tuna nets, but no-one cares about the ten thousand dead tuna. Because they’re not cute. Dolphins, on the other hand, have that great round, smiling face, the friendly eyes, the bald head. They look like your uncle Marvin. We can’t slaughter anything that might show up for the holidays.
—Paul Riser
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I think animal testing is a bad idea; they get nervous and give the wrong answers.
—Fry and Laurie
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