An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."
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It’s so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals. They have pride of lions, school of fish, rack of lamb . . .
-Ellen DeGeneres
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My favorite animal is steak.
-Fran Lebowski
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We’ve all done this, because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window, and go “Mooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow driving that car! How can he afford that?”
-Garry Schandling
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In L.A. we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food.
-Billy Crystal
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You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Penguins mate for life. Which doesn’t really surprise me ’cause they all look exactly alike. It’s not like they’re gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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If you look at a platypus, you think that God might get stoned— “Okay, let’s take a beaver and put on a duck’s bill, It’s a mammal, but it lays eggs. Hey, Darwin! Kiss my ass!”
-Robin Williams
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The only good thing about a singles’ apartment is that you never had to clean it up. At least, not until the day you moved and tried to get your security deposit back. Then you’d argue with the landlord. “No sir, the back door was missing when We moved in here. The pizzas were always on the ceiling.”
-Jeff Foxworthy
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, “ Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”
-Steven Wright
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I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
-Ronnie Shakes
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I’m taking an art class and the nude model just quit. Because I like to finger paint.
-Wendy Liebman
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There is nothing funny about dogs playing poker. There is nothing remotely cute about animals with gambling problems. If you look closely at those paintings, you can tell that most of those dogs are playing with money they can’t afford to lose. And sadder still, it takes seven of their dollars to make one of ours.
-Dennis Miller
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali' He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
-Steven Wright
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