A blonde woman is pulled over by a police officer for swerving. He asks her, “M'am, why were you swerving all over the road?"
She looks relieved, "Sir! I'm glad you're here. I looked away for a second then there was a tree right in front of me. Then I swerved left and another tree was right there. Then right, then left."
The police officer bends over and looks into her car and reaches for the rear-view mirror, “M'am, this is your air freshener."
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All black men are born suspects. When I came out of my mother, if anything happened within a three-block radius, I was a suspect. The day I was born somebody’s car got stolen from the hospital parking lot. They made me stand in a lineup. That was pretty tough considering I wasn’t even a day old and couldn’t crawl, much less walk. Good thing I had a couple black nurses to hold me up. I got lucky. They were in the lineup, too.
-Chris Rock
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Heaven’s Gate cult members were all huge Star Trek heads. Surprise, Trekkies are kooks! There’s never been a mass suicide by the fans of Green Acres or That Girl.
-Tom Kenny
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The Lord of the Dance: You want to do that show the right way? Get some big, fat, beer-bellied Irish guys, and let them dance and drink and punch their relatives at the same time.
-Denis Leary
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It’s too much trouble to get laid. ’Cause you have to go out with a guy, and go to dinner with him, and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.
-Kathy Griffin
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I hate dating. You look for just the right girl. Right figure, right face. You search until you find her and then, for no apparent reason, your binoculars fog up.
-Mike Bullard
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They say there is a right person born for everybody. I just get scared that my guy might have died at birth.
-Brenda Pontiff
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I deserve someone who likes me for who I am… pretending to be.
-Arj Barker
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Dating is dumb. Basically you’re making false judgments based on false exteriors. Oh, sure, my superficial self likes your superficial self, but the real me likes your roommate.
-Margot Black
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I’d just like to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders… I hate necks.
-Steve Martin
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Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.
-Susan Healy
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I was out on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
-Susie Loucks
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Dating in your twenties is like getting a science project. “What did you get? I got an alcoholic; I’m going to change him!”
-Caroline Rhea
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I tell men, if you want to impress a woman don’t send her flowers, send her a maid. Because if you spend $55 on a dozen roses, they’re dead the next day. A maid costs about $40 and you still have $15 dollars left to get Chinese food and one rose. By the time you come over we haven’t cleaned, and you have food, a rose, and you. Baby, we’ll do you all night long.
-Luda Vika
