A blonde woman goes to her lawyer and tells him, "I want to divorce my husband."
The lawyer says, "Do you have any grounds?"
She replies, "Yes, we have a few acres. But there's nothing valuable on it."
He says, "That's not what I meant, do you have a grudge?"
She replies, "Yes, that's where I park my car."
The lawyer becomes angry at this point, "Why do you want a divorce?!"
She replies, "We have trouble communicating."
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I asked this one girl out and she said, “You got a friend?” I said yes, she said, “Then go out with him.”
-Dom Irrera
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I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman
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My grandmother wanted me to go to church to meet women. My grandmother wanted me to work the church… that’s wrong, ain’t it? “Praise the Lord! Hey, how ya doing? Nice dress. Look I’m going to go over there get some of this wine and crackers, want some?”
-Warren Hutcheson
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Here are three things I never want to hear again on a first date, “So. . . how much cash do you have on you‘?” “Wow! You’re a big girl! How much do you weigh?” “Wanna hold my gun? It’s loaded.” Too bad that one wasn’t a metaphor, ’cuz then I would have.
-Jennifer Fairbanks
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What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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My favorite kind of guys to go out with are guys from another country. I like foreign guys ’cause you can tell them anything. “Ahmed, it’s customary in America that you pay my rent on the first date.”
-Ellen Cleghorne
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I was a horrible date all through school and college. Here’s an impression of me on a date in high school, “Come on, chug it!”
-David Spade
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I went out with this one guy, I was very excited about it. He took me out to dinner, he made me laugh, he made me pay. He’s like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot my wallet.” “Really‘? I forgot my vagina.”
-Lisa Sunstedt
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I hate singles’ bars. Guys come up to me and say “Hey, cupcake, can I buy you a drink?” I say, “No but I’ ll take the three bucks.”
-Margaret Smith
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I’d like to be a fish fly. It’s a bug that only lives one day. That’s right, they’re born, they mate, they die. Kinda takes all the worry out of, “Will he ever call me again‘?”
-Lisa Goich
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When you’re first single, you’re so optimistic. At the beginning, you’re like, “I want to meet a guy who’s really smart, really sweet, really good-looking, has a really great career.” Six months later, you’re like, “Lord, any mammal with a day job.”
-Carol Leifer
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People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better.
-Margot Black
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She wanted a signing bonus when we went steady.
-Richard Lewis
