Three elderly ladies are discussing their mental health.
The first lady says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up."
The final lady says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood.”
With this she hits the table twice. Suddenly she is startled and looks up, "Who's there?"
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Blondes have more fun, don’t they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blonde roots?
-Rita Rudner
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
- Richard Lewis
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Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Use the dollar as a bookmark.
-Fred Stoller
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I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good book. Or a friend who’s read one.
-Phyllis Diller
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I have a new book coming out. It’s one of those self-help deals; it’s called How to Get Along with Everyone. I wrote it with this other asshole.
-Steve Martin
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Boyfriend. This is such a weird word. There ’s no good word about someone if you are not married. Even calling a guy you live with your boyfriend makes you sound eleven years old. Old man? If you are not living with Willie Nelson, that one doesn’t work.
-Elayne Boosler
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I have a totally wonderful new boyfriend. He calls me cutie-which is short for Chronic Urinary Tract Infection. For Valentine ’s Day, he gave me cranberry juice.
-Caroline Rhea
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I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious.
-George Carlin
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When I want to end relationships I just say, “I want to marry you so we can live together forever.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
-Rita Rudner
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I guess everyone has had that one breakup when you just want to sit in your house for six months, smoking cigarettes and eating chicken pot pies in your underwear.
-Jake Johannsen
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Breaking up. It happens kind of suddenly. One minute you’re holding hands walking down the street and the next minute you’re lying on the floor crying and all the good CDs are missing.
-Kennedy Kasares
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When I was first asked to write an article about how women get over a broken heart I figured it would be the easiest money I ever made. Are you ready? We don’t.
-Stephanie Miller
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A lot of breakup songs have the same theme the guy sings, “Baby, you’re seeing somebody new now and if he treats you bad, I’ll always be here for you ’cause I love you very much.” Why don’t they make that a little more realistic? “You’re seeing someone new now, and if he treats you bad, good!”
-Adam Sandler
