A blonde, brunette, and red head are all talking about what their dreams were when they were kids.
The brunette says, "I wanted to be a princess. I was so dumb."
The red head says, "I wanted to be a movie star. I was so crazy."
The blonde says, "I wanted to be the first person to travel around the sun, but I still haven't given up."
The brunette tells her, "If you came that close to the sun you would burn."
The blonde laughs at her, "That's why I would go at night!"
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I don’t get no respect. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born, I weighed three pounds four ounces. It’s not that I was premature. It’s just that when my older brother was born he left the womb a complete and total mess. I spent the first three months of my gestation just vacuuming.
-Jon Stewart
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If you don’t yell during labor, you’re a fool. I screamed. Uh, how I screamed. And that was just during the conception.
-Joan Rivers
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People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
-Elayne Boosler
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When the doctor asked me if I wanted a bikini cut for my” cesarean section, I said, “No! A bikini and a wine cooler is why I’m laying up here now.”
-Kim Tavares
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You take Lamaze classes… I went. It was a total waste of time. Ain’t nobody going to breathe a baby out. There’s going to be a fight.
-Sinbad
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It’s been over ten years since my wife and I pounded out our daughter. That’s kind of an extremely sensitive way to say we had a child. It was a blessed event, a wonderful, miraculous thing. But it also showed me what a self-centered dick I am. The doctor says, “Mr. Goldthwait, We’re going to have to perform a C-section.” Instead of going, “Oh, my God I hope everything’s okay,” I went, “Oh, great, I went to Lamaze for nothing.”
-Bobcat Goldthwait
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Everyone I know is having a baby and I’m childless. They all have these incredible stories and everything I do in comparison seems inconsequential. They say, “Well I was in labor for eleven hundred hours. I had the baby out in the woods. And now I’m back at work full time and I’m breast feeding.” I’m like, “I bought a new skirt.”
-Caroline Rhea
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The Vatican came down with a new ruling… no surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t make this rule before Jesus was born.
-Elayne Boosler
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She ’s screaming like crazy . . . You have this myth you’re sharing the birth experience. Unless you’re circumcising yourself with a chain saw, I don’t think so. Unless you’re opening an umbrella up your ass, I don’t think so!
-Robin Williams
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My wife, God bless her, was in labor for thirty-two hours. And I was faithful to her the entire time.
-Jonathan Katz
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Lamaze expects the husband ‘me’ to be there, so that I can witness this festivity. I did not want to be there. This was remarkably painful for my wife. There was nothing my presence could really do to relieve her pain. In other words, I didn’t see why my evening should be ruined too.
-Dennis Wolfberg
