A British man, Frenchman, and American are on an African safari when they are captured by cannibals.
The cannibal leader addresses them, "I'm sorry gentlemen, but I must follow our traditions."
The Brit replies, "What does that mean?"
The cannibal replies, "We will kill you, eat you, cook you, and make canoes from your skin. But we're not all bad, we'll let you choose your death."
The Brit steps up first and says, "Give me a pistol." He puts it to his head and yells, "God save the Queen!"
Next the Frenchman asks, "Can I have a sword?" As he runs into the sword he yells, "Viva la France!"
Finally, the American asks for a fork.
He begins to stab himself repeatedly everywhere.
The cannibal leader yells at him, "What in the world are you doing?!"
The American yells, "Good luck with my canoe you animals!"
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When you’re taking a flight, if you miss it, that’s it. No airline goes, “Missed the flight? We have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. So all right, let’s aim it . . . Where are you going? Now, make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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The stewardess comes running out of the cockpit, and says, “The pilot just passed out! Can somebody fly the plane?” Nobody else raised their hand, so I figured I’d take a shot at it. It took me almost four hours just to get it off the runway.
-James Leemer
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My wife began to breast-feed our baby to relieve his ear pressure during takeoff. Which, I understand, hands down beats the hell out of chewing gum.
-Paul Riser
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I sit in the cheap seats, and the flight attendant goes, “Would you like to read a Wall Street Journal?” If I could read the Wall Street Journal, I wouldn’t be sitting in coach. We would like the Enquirer back here, we’re the morons on this flight. Smart people up front, dumb people in the back. They have computers, We have Nintendo. They’re closing business deals, we’re opening beers.
-Kathleen Madigan
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I don’t like to fly, so I took a bus from London to Boston. Do you know how much that costs? I never had so much change in my hands.
-Steven Wright
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I’d like to ask all the airlines just to do one thing. Keep the planes intact in the air. I don’t mind economy class, it’s patio seating I have a problem with. Get all the people who make the sandwiches, and have them inspect the rivets. We will pack a lunch.
-Rick Ducommun
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I’m terrified of dying in a plane crash. I hate the thought that peanuts would be my last meal.
-Tanya Luckerath
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Hey, I don’t get respect from anyone. American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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You ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza
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Two new medical studies report that beer can stop ulcers, and pizza can actually stop prostate problems. Beer and pizza are healthy for you. You know what that means, parents? Now you can write off your kid’s college as a medical expense.
-Jay Leno
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British scientists have found a substance that dulls the appetite. It’s called British food.
-Johnny Robish
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I love greasy food. A chili dog with cheese and bacon. That’s a power meal, marches right down your throat, “Follow me boys, we’re going to the heart! You, chili come with me, we’re going to the colon. Quick, before he gets home!”
-Drew Carey
