A man named Tom meets a man named Clark at a party on the 30th floor of a building.
They get to talking and Clark tells Tom that the wind is just right so that if you jump out the window you will circle the building and fly right back in.
Tom naturally doesn't believe him.
Clark proves it by jumping out the window a few times and coming right back in.
Finally Tom believes him and he jumps out of the window breaking every bone in his body when he hits the ground.
Clark's girlfriend Lois turns to him and says "You can be a real jerk when you're drunk superman."
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Dogs are gross, they drink out of the toilet. But when you’re going to the bathroom, maybe your dog is thinking, “Hey, hey, hey! I drink out of that thing! Why don’t you just go in my dish, and save yourself a walk down the hallway?”
-Garry Shandling
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A man in Washington has invented a new briefcase that turns into a portable toilet. Which means that now, the guy sitting next to you on the train using his cell phone won’t seem so bad.
-Conan O’Brien
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I installed a bunch of low-flow toilets in my house to conserve water. But it’s not working out, my dog is dying of dehydration.
-Wally Wang
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Remember the lawn dart? This was perfectly acceptable when we were kids. “Hey, what should we do with this piece of plastic with a six-inch, razor-edge pointy metal shaft? Let’s have the kids heave them at each other.” “What if they lose an eye?” “Hell, they have two. Let the little one-eyed bastards play!”
-Elvira Kurt
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I realized that commercials were misleading when I was a little kid. Like the Power Wheels ads that showed a five-year-old spinning through the mud having a great time. It failed to mention that these things went two miles an hour. Your friends walked faster than you, and you were flooring the thing. “Wait up . . . vrooooom . . . wait up!”
-Dominic Dierkes
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I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.
-Steven Wright
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If you’re ever feeling low, just take a saunter over to the local bus station, and you’ll perk right up. It looks like a Munster family reunion. There are people with teeth like Indian corn, eyes pointing in different directions, Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets used as luggage. And you know nobody there has ever filled out a long form in their whole lives.
-Dobie Maxwell
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For a while I didn’t have a car, I had a helicopter. No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamppost and left it running.
-Steven Wright
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At school I didn’t tell the other kids that I was a transvestite. Because I was afraid they’d beat me with sticks. “He said a word we didn’t understand! And he won at Scrabble with it! ”
-Eddie Izzard
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I have a trampoline in my backyard. Whenever I’m home, I put on Helen Reddy’s “I Am woman” really loud, and jump. My neighbors think I’m really weird, because they don’t know that I have a trampoline. They just know they see me over the fence every few seconds.
-Paula Poundstone
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I watch the Discovery Channel and you know what I’ve discovered? I need a girlfriend. And the more Discovery Channel you watch the less chance you ever have of meeting a woman, because it fills your head full of odd facts that can come out at any moment, “Hello, did you know Hitler was ticklish? That the sea otter has four nipples? Don’t run away!”
-Dave Attell
