Three elderly men are sitting together and discussing what they want their family and friends to say when they are lying in their casket at their funeral.
The first man says "I want them to say I was a great father and a great friend. I want them to say I could always be counted on."
The second guy says "I just want them to talk about how much I changed the world, and how I left it a better place."
The third man says "I want them to look right at me and say: 'Look! He's moving!'"
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It was one of those bachelor parties where all the married men had to meet at the end and decide about what to say we did. “We got in a fight with some guys and that’s how our underwear got ripped. They ripped our underwear, and smelled good. Jimmy, you fell and your nipple got pierced.”
-Ray Romano
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The lady at the bank asked, “What do you want on your checks-wildlife, scenery?" I said, “I want a picture of a big, thick-necked guy on my checks. A bouncer… that’s what my checks are going to be.”
-Bob Kubota
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I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I’ll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
-Henny Youngman
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The banks have a new image. Now you have “a friend.” Your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
-Alan King
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Barbie is getting a bigger waist and a smaller chest. Not surprisingly, earlier today Ken announced wants to start seeing other dolls.
-David Letterman
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A toy company is releasing Teacher Barbie this week. Apparently, it’s like Malibu Barbie… only she can’t afford the Corvette.
-Stephanie Miller
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Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she were areal woman, would have no internal organs because her waist is too small. I say, Barbie’s got nothing to complain about in the missing organ department, compared to Ken.
-Cathryn Michon
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The Miss America pageant is very pro-education. They give the winner a full college scholarship. Which is just what Harvard needs, more bulimics who play the ukulele.
-Sheila Wenz
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I can’t believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! Where we’re not supposed to judge people based on how they look; we’re supposed to judge people based on how much money they make.
-Heidi Joyce
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At the always hilarious Miss USA Pageant, Miss Massachusetts was crowned winner and vowed to fight “drugs and violence”… with her rock-hard pecs, I guess.
-Craig Kilborn
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All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable.
-Fran Liebowitz
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There’s no leeway for a woman’s looks. You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.
-Elayne Boosler
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My girlfriend is at that stage where her biological clock is telling her it’s time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.
-Kevin Hench
