Little Johnny was in class and yells out, "Hey teach, I gotta take a piss.”
The disgusted teacher asks her students, "Class, can anyone think of a different word to use other than the word piss?”
And little Suzy raises her hand and says the word, “Urinate."
The teacher says that is very good then tells little Johny that he can go to the bathroom as soon as he can use the word 'urinate' in a sentence.
So he thinks about it for a moment and says, "Well teach, urinate but if you had better teeth you'd be a 10!"
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I’m not a pessimist: I like to think of myself as an optimist with a reality chaser. I know the glass is half full. I just want to know who the hell’s been drinking out of it, and do I have to pay full price?
-Bob Zany
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If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
-George Carlin
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I think God made babies cute so we don’t eat them.
-Robin Williams
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I still can’t believe that people I know, my peers, are making babies. I’m too lazy to make a salad.
-Hellura Lyle
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My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow. She got wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, “Adopt”
-Caroline Rhea
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We have a baby now at my house . . . all day long. And all night long. I wonder why they say you have a baby? The baby has you.
-Gallagher
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A lucky woman in Iowa delivered seven babies. Ooh, that is not a delivery… that, my friends, is a shipment! You know, if you think about it, for parents it’s a dream… or a nightmare, I guess. Doesn’t make any difference, either way they’re never going to sleep again.
-David Letterman
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The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important, because when we wanna potty-train the baby we should set an example.
-Howie Mandel
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I can’t decide if I want a baby. And my friends who have kids don’t make very good salesmen. They’re like, “Uh you learn all this great stuff, like how to survive on two hours’ sleep.” If I want to learn that I’ll just become a political prisoner or something.
-Cathryn Michon
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Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my golden years. What’s the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?
-Sue Kolinsky
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This is exciting. A woman recently had a baby from an embryo that had been frozen for seven years. She said, “I had no idea if I was having a little boy, a little girl, or fish sticks.”
-Conan O’Brien
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As far as baby-sitting tips go, I recommend a few quick questions to the parents when you want to get out early. Like, “Is it all right for the baby to have . . . bleach?”
-Jake Johannsen
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Our baby won’t suck on her thumb. She prefers her two middle fingers. Which makes her look like a little, tiny bulimic. I knew she was going to be a supermodel.
-Vance Sanders
