A church puts out a help-wanted ad for somebody to ring their bell each day.
A man with no arms replies to the ad. The priest asks him "How can you ring a bell with no arms?"
The man runs into the bell face first and the bell rings loud and beautifully.
The priest gives him the job.
One day he misses the bell though and falls to his death.
The priest and several other people come to the man's side and one of them says "Who is he?"
The priest replies "I don't know. But his face sure rings a bell."
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Yesterday on the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, two women protesting the wearing of fur skated nude. Nude ice skating… I’m thinking to myself, man, this is just the thing to get Tonya Harding out of retirement.
-David Letterman
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I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?
-Larry Reeb
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As yet there have been no deaths attributed to the killer bees. However, two bees were caught this week planning a murder.
-Dennis Miller
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We’re not descended here from a bunch of fat cave people who got eaten by the dinosaurs. We’re all descended from the little bitty quick suckers who got back to the cave.
-Gallagher
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Do you realize why we have arms control now? It’s because we’re broke, and the Russians are broke. Before arms control, we were like two junkies arguing over a plastic spoon.
-Robin Williams
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If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
-George Carlin
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I think the most memorable experience I had in France was visiting the cathedral at Chartres. It’s a 400-year-old cathedral-beautiful stained glass, and it’s a very, very moving experience, and as I was writing my name on it with a can of spray paint…
-Steve Martin
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Fifty something million dollars for a Van Gogh. You know, if there is an afterlife, and if Vincent is up there watching, he ’s chopping off the other ear, going, “Son of a bitch! When I was alive I couldn’t sell dick!”
-Paul Rodriguez
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Critics say that Andy Warhol’s famous portraits of Campbell’s soup cans were a brilliant satire of culture, in much the same way Campbell’s soup is a brilliant satire of food.
-Craig Kilborn
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I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
-Steven Wright
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The chip on my shoulder’s a little heavy. I have back problems now.
-Janeane Garofalo
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I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowin’ that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I went back to pondering my mortality.
-Mitch Hedberg
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No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.
-Lily Tomlin
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I was a born pessimist. My first words were, “My bottle is half empty.”
-Lacie Harmon
