A grocer puts up a sign above his turkeys, "$5 each or $20 for three."
All day long people approach him outraged by his incorrect math, "It should be $15 for three, I'll just buy them separately."
All day people come by and just buy them separately for less after yelling at him.
After one of his employees watch this go on all day he asks him, "Are you going to fix the sign or what?"
The grocer replies, "What do I need to fix? Before I put up the sign nobody bought three turkeys."
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I don’t understand people who go to amusement parks. I spend most of my time trying not to be nauseous and dizzy. “Excuse me, could you strap me in upside down? I’d like to be as sick as humanly possible. I feel great today, I think I’ll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, let’s bring the kids, I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas.”
-Dom Irrera
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The Universal Studios ride Twister simulates the destructive forces of a twister so realistically that it was immediately surrounded by five trailer parks.
-Craig Kilborn
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Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport.
-Bobcat Goldthwait
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I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.
-Mitch Hedberg
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If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them in boiling water while they’re still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it’s okay. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on their shells: “Happy,” “Baby Doll,” “Junior” I defy anyone to drop a living thing called “Happy” in boiling water.
-George Carlin
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When I was growing up, we had a petting ZOO, and well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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To me, the most blatant example of cruelty to animals is the rotisserie. It’s just a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.
-Mitch Hedberg
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They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry, maybe they should brag about it in their commercials. “Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it can make your hair look luscious.” Or “Gillette, because 4,000 bald squirrels can’t be wrong.”
-Vernon Chapman
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Dolphin-safe tuna, that’s great if you’re a dolphin. What if you’re a tuna? Somewhere there’s a tuna flopping around a ship going, “What about me? I’m not cute enough for you?”
-Drew Carey
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Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks, and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
-Ellen DeGeneres
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One thing sickens me about animals being on stage entertaining. The trainer will have the animals jumping through fire doing flips, sitting up. . .you know, really putting on a show. And then, the trainer takes a bow! Every time I see an animal that attacks a trainer on one of those TV specials, I think, “Well, no wonder. The Supremes should’ve done something like that to Diana Ross a long time ago.”
-Drew Carey
