A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year.
But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years.
So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question.
He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"
She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"
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It’s been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex.
-Tracy Smith
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I have come to realize that we are all truly on our own. Today, my wife yelled, “What do you want from me? I made you a bowl of cereal.”
-Paul Alexander
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Remember, we’re all in this alone.
-Lily Tomlin
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I like to live alone, you never have to clean up. I find things in the refrigerator, I figure out what they used to be.
-Elayne Boosler
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I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted to do before I die. O-my-god. How embarrassing. #1: Touch a boobie.
-Drew Carey
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People in other countries, they all want to come to America. They say, “You can eat twenty-four hours a day in America.” I say yeah, they’re right. If you have some money or a pistol, you can get something to eat.
-Richard Pryor
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The average American attention span is that of a ferret on a double espresso.
-Dennis Miller
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On the pioneers... That was very important, the wagon. Just as important as the wheels are today. ’Cause if the wagon broke down 'and you were too dumb or lazy to fix it, that’s where you stayed. You don’t think people headed out for Tulsa, do you? You know, everywhere you see a nice big spread in America, they got two broken wheels outside.
-Gallagher
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On the American colonists... They say, “We discovered new lands and territories.” Hey, if you believe that, I can go to court and say, “Your honor, I was exploring some fire escapes and discovered this man’s apartment. I planted my flag in his living room and now all his stuff is mine. Him and his wife came home, I had to shoot them, they were savages!”
-Warren Hutcherson
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I don’t believe there ’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.
-George Carlin
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Is intelligence a liability nowadays? I think we can answer that with one word: Duh. America’s never been what you would call highbrow, but these days it seems our collective cranial ridge is sloping like the shoulders of the bar boy at the Kennedy compound.
-Dennis Miller
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The people with brown skins were here first. The rest of you are lucky that the Indians didn’t ask Columbus for his Green Card.
-Charlie Hill
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Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
-George Carlin
