Sherlock Homes and his partner, Watson, are going camping.
After a few hours of sleeping under their tent, Sherlock wakes up Watson.
When Watson finally wakes up, Sherlock says "Watson, look up, what do you see?”
"I see billions of millions of stars in the distant universe." Replied Watson.
In response, Sherlock says "And what can you conclude from that?”
Watson begins to go deep into the theory of space, but less than three sentences in, Sherlock cuts off Watson and says "No you idiot, it means someone stole our tent."
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Ever get stuck walking behind old people in a crowd? No matter how hard you try you can’t get around them. Then out of nowhere, they just stop, like their batteries went dead. It’s like they have a sixth sense about getting in people’s way. They should be guarding Jordan.
-Drew Carey
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Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice?
-Patton Oswalt
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If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your old, rotten, used-up liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will leave you a keg.
-Paul F. Tomkins
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I had to stop drinking, man. I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
-Richard Pryor
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My dad’s life was a bender, mine’s the hangover.
-Bob Odenkirk
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I don’t need to drink to have a good time, I need to drink to stop the voices in my head.
-Dave Attell
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Alcohol kills brain cells. We take the only organ in our body that won’t grow back and we kill it for fun.
-Carey Odes
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I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
-Laura Knightlinger
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Drive-through liquor stores, that’s almost a good idea. Just the thing for that drunk driver who’s constantly on the go. “Hey, no time to go to a real bar, I’ve got places to go, people to hit.”
-Drew Carey
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Don’t drink and drive. Instead, the next time you get too drunk to drive, Walk into a local Dominos and order a pizza. Then when they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home.
-Todd Glass
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There are two groups of people in the world now. Those that get pathetically drunk in public… and the rest of us poor bastards who are expected to drive these pinheads home.
-Dennis Miller
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If you get drunk, don’t call a cab. That could cost you $20 or $40 or $50. Do what I do, call a tow truck. It might cost a little more, but your car will be there when you wake up.
-Jeffrey Jena
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I can’t hold my liquor in the winter. I’m pretty sure it’s the mittens.
-Jonathan Katz
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I’m an alcoholic, and I’m also out of shape. So I just joined a twelve-step aerobics group.
-Peter Spruyt
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You have a baby, you have to clean up your act. You can’t come in drunk and go, “Hey, here’s a little switch, Daddy’s going to throw up on you.”
-Robin Williams
