A man's children were curious about their names.
The man's daughter asked him, "Dad, how did i get my name?" The father replied, "Well, you were laying down under a tree and a rose fell on your head, so i named you rose."
The second daughter asked, "Dad, how did i get MY name?" The father replied. "Well, you were laying down under a tree and a lily fell on your head, so i named you Lily."
Then his son came in the room and yelled, "RAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRR!!!"
The father replied, "Shut up, Brick!"
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Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?” They said, “Uh, I don’t think so. He’s only two months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
-Steven Wright
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They say that yoga is a great way to use your body to reach a higher consciousness. I find it’s a lot easier to just drink, to get your legs behind your neck like that.
-Wendy Liebman
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I was an ugly kid. My father never took me to the zoo. He said, “If they want you, they’ll come get you.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
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The San Diego Zoo is trying to breed pandas. They haven’t succeeded yet, so to insure insemination, they’re going to leave the female panda in a hotel room used by the players of the NBA.
-Wally Wang
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Do you think anyone’s ever bitten their tongue, and then decided to eat the rest?
-Drake Sather
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How come the white male politicians who vote against affirmative action are always so willing to accept a handicap on the golf course?
-Paul Krassner
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I went to Africa. Now I know how white people feel in America--relaxed. ’Cause you hear a police car coming, you know it ain’t coming after your ass.
-Richard Pryor
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I think I look good for forty-two. However, my skin is starting to lose its elasticity. I took a nap on a corduroy bedspread. It took six hours for the lines to come out of my face.
-Cathy Ladman
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I turned thirty, and suddenly I was at that point in your life where you want to eat Fruity Pebbles. But you’re concerned about the fiber content.
-Paul Provenza
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I’m getting older and I ’m thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I’m trying to cut back on my cholesterol.
-Brenda Pontiff
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You know you’re getting older when the first thing you do after you’re done eating is look for a place to lie down.
-Louie Anderson
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When I hit my thirties I found there’s less hair on my head and more in my ears.
-Robert Wuhl
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If you’re less than ten years old you’re so excited about aging you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “Six and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100 you become a kid again: “104-and-a-half!”
-Larry Miller
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There’s one advantage to being 102. No peer pressure.
-Dennis Wolfberg
