A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after. A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor "Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies "They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them."
The woman looked concerned "Oh no. What did he name them?"
"He named the girl Denise," The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved "Well that's not so bad. What about the boy?"
"Denephew."
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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study… Duh.
-Conan O’Brien
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When women are depressed they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
-Elayne Boosler
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If there were no women in the world, men would be naked, driving trucks, living in dirt. Women came along and gave us a reason to comb our hair.
-Sinbad
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If women ruled the world and we all got massages, there would be no war.
-Carrie Snow
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A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that’s why we can’t get anything done in the morning; we’re government employees!
-Jay Leno
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A study came out this week that said one out of four American workers is angry at work. And the other three save it for the loved ones at home.
-Bill Maher
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In japan, the highest-paid executive earns only fifteen times what the average worker does. Here, CEOs earn five hundred times more, but that’s supposed to motivate the American worker. To do what, kidnap his boss?
-Norman K.
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No matter how much the boss likes you, if you work in a bank you can’t take home samples.
-Eddie Cantor
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When I worked in the computer industry, people often referred to me as a female executive. Is that necessary? I prefer the more politically correct “salary-impaired.”
-Jackie Wollner
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
-Steven Wright
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept askin’ how big I’d get.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Japanese researchers say they have found that the Earth is emitting a constant, very low frequency hum. Asked why the Earth was humming, scientists said it was most likely because the world had forgotten the words.
-Craig Kilborn
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I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I don’t write much fiction, except for this great short story every April 15.
-Norman K.
