A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
“There's a blind man to see you." she says. "Well, if he’s a blind man, then it doesn’t matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.
She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"
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I don’t know why everybody talks about losing weight. That’s an ill-conceived phrase. Fat people never lose weight. They always know right where it is. And dropping a few pounds? I dropped a few pounds last week. They landed around my knees.
-Louie Anderson
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I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
-Daniel Lybra
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According to a new study, overweight people have a better sex drive than thin people. I think that’s because overweight people have to drive a lot further to get sex.
-Jay Leno
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I think of myself lovingly as white trailer trash. My parents recently made up their will. Everything is split equally between me and my sister. She’s getting the house, but I’m getting the porch and the wheels.
-Lynda Montgomery
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Why does my wife want me to go shopping with her? She knows I’m no good at it. She’s going to want to do stuff like try different things on. Soon as she comes out of the dressing room with the first thing on, to me it’s like a bank robbery. “Let’s go! That’s the one! Get in the car! Let’s go! Let’s go!”
-Ritch Shydner
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Living with my wife is like taking orders from a drill sergeant. I have to work damn hard to get a weekend pass.
-Irv Gilman
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With my wife there’s always something. The other night I had a fight with the dog. My wife said the dog was right. And she told me this in front of the dog. Now the dog has no respect. My wife throws the ball, he waits for me to bring it back.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife will wake up, roll over, ask, “What are you doing?” “I’m reading.” “I thought we were going to talk to each other.” “You fell asleep.” “So right away you gotta pick up a book?” She gets mad that I’m not focusing on her, even while she’s sleeping. I guess my wife’s vision of how life should be is that I pay attention to her at every waking moment, and when she falls asleep I sketch her.
-Ray Romano
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A new survey shows that the more female you are physically, the harder it is to be taken seriously in business. For example, women with very large breasts have a harder time being promoted than women with penises.
-Heidi Joyce
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Freud accused women of having penis envy. I have no reason to be jealous of a penis. At least when I get out of the ocean, all my bodily parts are still the same size.
-Sheila Wenz
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
-Tim Allen
