It's Paige's birthday and she has been waiting for her gift from her boyfriend Trevor for months.
All he told her was "I got you something that will change your life. It can go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds!"
When it finally comes time for Paige to open her gifts she notices Trevor only had a small gift box in front of him.
She eagerly opens it wondering if it is something for her shiny new sports car.
She looks at it and says "This can't go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds?"
Trevor replies "It's a scale, just step on it."
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Viagra is the work of the devil. Now we girls can look forward to having sex with really old guys, for a really long time. I can see it now. He’s screaming, “Who’s your grand-daddy, Who’s your granddaddy? I can’t remember. What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?”
-Le Maire
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A Japanese scientist has invented a spray-on Viagra. And if you thought the cosmetics clerks in the mall were annoying before when they spritzed you…
-Jay Leno
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In France, they’re considering shipping Viagra to the cathedrals to see if they can straighten out the hunchbacks.
-Bill Maher
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
-George Carlin
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow. But maybe instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
-Emo Philips
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What are the scariest words known to man? “Till death do us part.” Why not, “Until my car breaks down?” Or “Until I run out of money?”
-Damon Wayans
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I hate being a bridesmaid, because I must dress to the bride’s taste. My best friend sent me this black-purple, floor-length dress, two sizes too small. I shuffled down the aisle like the Bridesmaid of Frankenstein. just wait until I get married. Lucky Charms are my favorite cereal, and you’re going as a leprechaun bridesmaid, bitch.
-Tamara Kastle
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I’m not saying marriage doesn’t work for some people. But there are things you must prepare yourself for. The vows are just the beginning. They should have Rod Sterling come out during the ceremony and announce, “You are about to take a journey not of sight and sound, to a realm where logic and reason seldom meet .... Welcome to the Twilight Zone.”
-Sinbad
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Erik Menendez got married in prison. His parents must be so proud . . . ohhh. I think it was a shotgun wedding.
-Jay Leno
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Microsoft announced that they’re developing a video game for people who don’t have or need computers, but still want to find a way to send money to Bill Gates.
-Bill Maher
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Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.
-Erma Bombeck
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I love weddings, but I cry. Because they’re not mine.
-Wendy Liebman
