A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV; all over the world.
-Steven Wright
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I think that’s why the aliens don’t ever stay, look at the people they meet. Every time they come here they land in the middle of nowhere, and meet two guys in overalls with no teeth. “C’mere, you little critters. Earl and me would take you bowling, if you had a couple more fingers on you.”
-Kathleen Madigan
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The problem with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you’re on the job.
-Slappy White
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Unemployment is a tough thing. Even if you get a job, they take unemployment out of your check every week, and show it to you in that little box. How good can it be for your confidence that every paycheck has got the word “unemployment” on it? You can’t get it out of your head. You just got the job, they’re already getting ready for you to get laid off!
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Kmart has announced that it is laying off hundreds of employees. Smart move. Now the only place those people can afford to shop will be Kmart.
-Johnny Robish
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I’m soo obsessive about my looks. I spend a lot of time each day just staring in the mirror. No wonder I get in so many traffic accidents.
-Tanya Luckerath
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I’ve been on a vegetarian diet for three weeks, and never have my houseplants looked so good to me.
-Daniel Lybra
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-A. Whitney Brown
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Vegetables are of less importance than meat. Do you think anyone would really care if lima beans got tangled up in the tuna nets?
-Gene Perret
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Would you believe that there are people who will shoot heroin but won’t eat red meat? They say, “Red meat? That’ll kill you.” Well, yes, if you put it in a needle and shoot it into your arm. Just the size of the needle alone will kill you.
-Chris Rock
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I have such an expensive vet. I go to pick my dog up and the girl behind the counter says, “Three thousand dollars.” The whole waiting room looks up. A woman says, “What happened?” “Well, apparently the dog bought a car after I dropped him off.”
-Elayne Boosler
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My veterinarian has an inferiority complex, he only operates on stuffed animals.
-Johnnye Jones Gibson
