A man and his wife go to the doctor's office.
After the doctor sees him he calls in his wife and she asks "Is my husband okay Doctor?"
The doctor replies "Well, he will be if you do everything I say. You have to prepare all of his meals for him every day. You also have to do all of his chores, never nag at him, and most importantly you must massage him three times a day. Do this for about a year and he will live."
Later in the car the husband asks his wife what the doctor said and she replies "He said you were going to die."
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I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
-Groucho Marx
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Did you see Ellen, the coming out episode? That was a watershed for American television. The ABC affiliate in Birmingham, Alabama, right-wing state, they refused to show it. Instead, they had a Rock Hudson film festival.
-Norman K.
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Have you noticed that TV families never watch television?
-Henny Youngman
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With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your twenty-fifth high school reunion.
-Jay Leno
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Who was the guy able to sell Hogans Heroes to a network? “Okay, here’s the idea. A group of soldiers held in Nazi prison camp. It’s a comedy!” “Hmm, that’s interesting. Tell me more.” “These soldiers are imprisoned by the Nazis behind barbed wire. And if they try to escape they’ll be shot!” “I love it! It’s a laugh riot!”
-Gilbert Gottfried
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NBC’s TV movie based on the life of Jesus, they couldn’t shoot that in L.A. Couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
-Jay Leno
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I’m getting tired of every special episodes on TV seems like Little House on the Prairie started this trend, with another tragedy every week. I think it got canceled because eventually everyone was either deaf, blind, or crushed by a stagecoach.
-Brock Cohen
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I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control.
-Steven Wright
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I can’t believe that the people on Jerry Springer are that clueless. They’re on a show titled “I’m Sleeping with My Husband’s Brother,” and the husband asks, “Baby, is there something you want to tell me?” How stupid can a person be? On the application to be a Springer guest it must say, “Can you read subtitles? No? Come on in, we want you!”
-Dominic Dierkes
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The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
-Bill Maher
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Now they’re talking about five hundred channels. I can’t wait to see what kind of brilliantly horrific programs are out there when we get up to half a thou. Hey, I’d give the Cat Box Channel a chance if it came with basic cable.
-Dennis Miller
