A devout Christian named Tom is on his deathbed.
His pastor arrives and comes into his room.
As soon as the pastor steps in Tom's condition worsens.
The pastor quickly hands him a piece of paper to write one final message on.
Tom quickly scribbles a message and shoves it back to the pastor.
The pastor thinks it would be better if he waits to open the message so he puts it in his pocket.
Tom dies.
At Tom's funeral the pastor decides to share his final note with everyone.
He pulls it out and reads it aloud, "Get off of my oxygen tube!"
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went, “Aaaaahhhh…”
-Steven Wright
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Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
-Fran Lebowitz
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I’m in therapy now. I used to be in denial. Which is a lot cheaper.
-Robin Greenspan
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I hate marriage counselors. This is the biggest scam in the world. Someone figured out a way that women can do the things they love best at the same time, talk and spend money.
-Damon Wayans
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If the marriage therapist irritates both of you, you can get some temporary zip back in your relationship if you team up and fight with her. That gives you some fresh sport for your money. After all, you can fight with each other for free on your own time.
-Sinbad
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In my family, everyone is seeing a psychologist, except my mother. She creates the patients.
-Stephanie Schiern
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I’ve been talking about my family with my therapist for so long that she now has her own problems with these people. Last week, I was talking about my mother and my therapist said, “Look, I don’t want to hear another thing from that woman.”
-Sarah Citron
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Working as a psychologist is a lot like walking my dog.
-Gloria Brinkworth
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My aunt asked me, “You’re a homosexual? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?” “No,” I said, “I’m seeing a lieutenant in the army.”
-Bob Smith
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My mom has her own psychological problems. We just had to enroll her in Shoulder Pads Anonymous.
-Stephanie Schiern
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Psychiatrist… A Jewish doctor who can’t stand the sight of blood.
-Henny Youngman
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Psychology is just psychiatry light, without all the drugs, additives, and preservatives. In psychology, you talk openly about your hopes, fears, and aspirations. In psychiatry, you’re so pumped full of drugs, the thought of all that crap gives you the giggles.
-Joel Warshaw
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Do you realize they have psychiatrists for dogs now? That in and of itself can screw up a dog.
-Dennis Miller
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I started seeing a therapist. She didn’t know I was seeing her. That was kinda fun.
-Dana Snow
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Men always scratch their ass when they’re thinking. Because that’s where their brain is.
-Tim Allen
