A man goes to the supply store and buys 300 chicks.
He tells the owner, "I'm going to start a chicken farm!"
A couple of weeks later he returns and buys 300 more.
The owner thinks it's weird but doesn't ask any questions.
Another couple of weeks later he returns to make the same purchase.
At this point the owner is baffled and asks, "Why do you come back every couple of weeks and make the same purchase?"
The would-be farmer replies, "Well, I must be doin' somethin' wrong. I'm either planting them too deep or to close together."
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That last Superman series Was really stupid. Every bad guy had kryptonite. It was a dime a dozen. “You wanna take out Superman? Yeah, I got something for ya. That’ll be $3.50.” Superman is frustrated. He’s like, “Stop right there. Oh damn, you too? I quit.”
-Dominic Dierkes
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The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
-Fran Lebowitz
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We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.
-Paula Poundstone
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Women will gab at each other for fifty-seven hours, breaking down every emotional thing they’re going through into nuances. A man will sit down with his buddy and his buddy will ask, “What’s up with your wife?” The man will mumble, “Oh, man, she’s tripping.” End of analysis.
-Sinbad
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Remember Tarzan? Big ol’ hunk, swinging in the jungle, scaring the natives. Who were all black. Ain’t it funny that this white guy, who was raised by a monkey, could control all those black folks? Daryl Gates could’ve used his ass during the L.A. riots.
-Whoopi Goldberg
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You ever notice whenever you’re with someone and they taste something that tastes bad, they always want you to taste it immediately. “This is disgusting. Taste it.”
-Ellen DeGeneres
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Worried about an audit? Always avoid what the IRS considers to be a red flag. For example, you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes.
-Jay Leno
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I screwed up my taxes last year. Instead of sending my return to the IRS, I sent it to the IRA. I had to pay a late penalty, and my apartment was firebombed.
-Jack Archey
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed eight hundred dollars. I said, “If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.”
-Emo Philips
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As a teacher, I tried to make my lesson plans relate to real life. It’s important for kids to see connections. “Johnny, you got a sixty-five on this test. That’s a D, and it’s also the speed limit on the freeway! Uh oh, Suzie got the speed limit in a residential area.”
-Lesley Wake
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My wife is a teacher; it’s really weird to live with a teacher. I’d be on the phone, doodling on a piece of paper, leave the house, come back in two hours, and that same piece of paper is now on the refrigerator with the words “Good work!” and a big smiley face on it.
-Lew Schneider
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My parents were terrified of technology. No blender, no microwave, no power lawn mower, no television. They were like a suburban Jewish version of the Unabomber. And equally guilty, in their own way.
-Norman K.
