Three men are traveling though the desert and they are very thirsty.
They come to a mysterious water slide in the middle of the desert that has instructions at the top: "Slide down and yell the drink of your choice and at the bottom you will find a pool of that beverage."
The three men are very excited. The first man slides down and yells "Milk!" He then falls into a pool of nice cool milk.
The next man goes down and yells "Lemonade!" He falls into a pool full of it.
The final man goes down and overwhelmed with excitement he yells "Weeee!"
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I Went snowboarding today. Well, actually, I went careening off a mountain on a giant tongue depressor.
-Paul Provenza
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Brothers are now conquering sports normally dominated by rich white people. We could take over polo, too, if they’d let a brother put a horse on layaway.
-Chris Rock
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The United States Postal Service and Mattel toys have teamed up to create a new Barbie postage stamp. Like the Elvis stamp, there will be two versions. The first being “Young Hot Cheerleader Barbie,” followed by “Older, Overweight, I Never Thought My Life Would Be Like This, Bitter High School Reunion Barbie.”
-Craig Kilborn
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My friends JT and Eric are Star Wars maniacs, and live their lives through the Force. Which is not very useful in the ordinary, grown-up world. I don’t need a guy to blow up the Death Star. I’ll settle for any Jedi who can remember to come back from the grocery store with Tampax, instead of pork rinds.
-Lesley Wake
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, “Do you have any toy train schedules?”
-Steven Wright
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I don’t imagine there are a lot of jobs easier than being a baby-store salesman, simply because you can’t negotiate with them. If he says, “You don’t need the high chair with the extra safe support lock, but it is safer,” what are you going to say? “Thank you, but we’re gamblers by nature, and are curious to see if our infant will do as you predict, slide right out on his head, crashing violently onto the hardwood floor. That’s something we’d like to see.”
-Paul Riser
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My local Ralph’s got a makeover. Now it has everything… florist, bakery, and everything is color coordinated. It looks like the Sharper Image grocery. But what bothers me most is their black shopping carts. They really bugged me, until I realized it was a Lexus for street people.
-Eileen Courtney
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They opened up a strip bar in my neighborhood. Big sign out front, TOTALLY NUDE. I thought they meant to get in. So, I’m standing in line . . .
-Margaret Smith
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I left college owing eighty thousand dollars in student loans. My mom tells me, “Just think of it as a mortgage.” Yeah, and I can wallpaper my cardboard box with the interest statements.
-Stephanie Schiern
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The student loan director from my bank called. He said, “You’ve missed seventeen payments, and the university never received the seventeen thousand dollars. We’d like to know what happened to the money.” I said, “Mr. Jones, I’ll give it to you straight. I gave the money to my friend Slick, and he built a nuclear weapon with it. And I’d appreciate it if you’d never call again.”
-Steven Wright
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We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids because we’re always afraid of cancer. It’s SPF 80, you squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
-Lew Schneider
