The preacher at a church is giving a sermon about marriage and how sacred it is.
He asks for a volunteer who has been married happily for 50 years.
An older man stands and says he is just approaching his 50th anniversary.
The priest asks him how he has managed to stay happy for so long.
The man replies, "I do everything I can to keep her happy. But most importantly, I took her to Rome for our 25th anniversary."
The priest replies, "That's great! What do you guys plan on doing on your 50th?"
The man says, "I'm probably going to bring her back."
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I’ve always liked the two months before Mike Tyson fights when we got to listen to every idiot like my 5'9" brother say, “I’d fight him for a million dollars.” I bet you would. And then twenty years from now we’d get your follow-up interview on CNN, “I’m eating solid foods again. And I can squeeze the ball!”
-Kathleen Madigan
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George Foreman is forty-nine years old. What’s he doing boxing? You know when you sock him in the gut, he pees a little.
-Margaret Smith
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To fight inequality, female athletes have to start committing more crimes. Jennifer Capriati got caught with some pot. That’s nothing. Get with the program: assault, murder, ear biting, date rape. Put all the women athletes together, and they have a shorter rap sheet than the Dallas Cowboys.
-Norman K.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
-Erma Bombeck
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It’s reassuring to see that colleges are putting the emphasis on education again. One school has gotten so strict they won’t give a football player his letter, unless he can tell which one it is.
-Henny Youngman
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The hardest part of being a professional football player is, on the one hand you’re a millionaire, on the other, they blow a whistle and you have to run around after a football. To me, the whole idea of being a millionaire is: somebody throws a football at me… maybe I catch it, maybe I don’t. I’d think you could get someone to hand you the ball, at that point.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Anyone can be a golf announcer. All you have to do is use that voice you use when you call in sick at work. “I won’t be coming in today, I have a golf game to announce.”
-Mike Rowe
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Everyone plays golf now, which is a lot like going to a strip club. You get all charged up, pay big money to hang out on a beautiful course, and start drinking early. Eighteen holes later, you’re plastered and frustrated, and most of your balls are missing.
-Tim Allen
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Watched the Indy 500. And I was thinking… if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
-Steven Wright
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-Dave Barry
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Scuba diving. A great activity where your main goal is, Just Don’t Die. So Mr. Scuba Guy takes me to the store to buy everything I need. I got the waterproof watch and the waterproof wallet. In case I meet a sea turtle who can break a fifty.
-Jerry Seinfeld
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Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-Steven Wright
