Four ladies are sitting together talking about their sons.
The first one brags, "My son is is a bishop, every time he walks into a room people say, 'Your excellence'."
The second lady brags, "My son is is a cardinal, every time he walks into a room people say, 'Your eminence'."
The third lady brags, "My son is is the pope, every time he walks into a room people say, 'Your holiness'."
The final lady says, "My son doesn't have a title, he weighs 500 pounds and is only 5 feet tall. But every time he walks into a room everybody says, 'Oh my god!'"
--------------------
I stopped smoking cigarettes, because people were always coming up to me saying, “Miss, your smoke is bothering me.” “So what, it’s killing me.”
-Wendy Liebman
--------------------
If you’re saying you didn’t know cigarettes were bad for you, you’re lying through that hole in your trachea.
-Dennis Miller
--------------------
Nicotine Anonymous is for people who want to stop smoking. When you get a craving for a cigarette, you call another member. He comes over, and you get drunk together.
-Henny Youngman
--------------------
You nonsmokers are the pissiest people. You’re so demanding about your opportunity for clean air space. How can I possibly respect you? You don’t have the nerve to take your own life in a horrible way, slowly and painfully, over a great number of years.
-Stephanie Hodge
--------------------
I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth.
-Wendy Liebman
--------------------
Smoking cures weight problems. Eventually.
-Steven Wright
--------------------
Tobacco giant Philip Morris is recalling its top-selling brands of cigarettes because of a defect. They made a batch that didn’t cause cancer.
-Johnny Robish
--------------------
Being in a sorority was like flying coach. Both had bitchy women telling me all I was allowed to eat was a small bag of pretzels and a diet Coke.
-Stephanie Schiern
--------------------
I remember the days when it was fashionable to spank your child. My father would say to me, “This hurts me worse than it does you.” I wanted to say, “Then you bend over, and l’ll lighten your emotional load, buddy.”
-Liz Sells
--------------------
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-Red Buttons
--------------------
Taking up a new sport, I have always subscribed to the rule, whatever you lack in skill, make up for in silly accessories. “How’s your tennis game?” “Not great. But I have a hat with a tiny solar-powered fan that keeps me cool, and a racket the size of an outdoor grill.”
-Paul Riser
--------------------
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looks like.
-Phyllis Diller
--------------------
I’ve been playing a lot of basketball lately, down at the playground. It’s tough to get into games down there, that’s how good those guys are. Some days, the only way I get on the court is when they get called in for nap time.
-Brock Cohen
--------------------
Today I watched bowling. Not because I like bowling, but for the cheerleaders.
-Howie Mandel
