A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign indicating the profession of each type of brain.
He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an engineer's brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a programmer's brain?"
"Four dollars an ounce."
"How much for a lawyer's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a lawyer's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
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The thing I hate about living alone is living alone. I have way too many frivolous conversations with the 411 operator.
-Sue Bova
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It’s pretty lonely and sad to be single. Every night was the same for me, I’d go home and curl up in bed with my favorite book. Well, actually it was a magazine.
-Tom Arnold
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I’ve been single so long, I open the refrigerator door, and Mrs. Butterworth is starting to look good to me.
-Dobie Maxwell
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Being single is tough, especially if you’re trying to meet someone in a bar. I think people in bars should be required to wear collars, like dogs. That way you’d get their basic information right up front. Name, where they live, and if they’ve gotten their shots.
-Joel Warshaw
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
-Steven Wright
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I love to sleep. It’s the best of both worlds. You get to be alive, and unconscious.
-Rita Rudner
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I decided to take better control of my life, and make sure that less things go wrong, so I’ve been sleeping for twenty hours a day. I figured that in four hours even I couldn’t screw up that many things. And if I have to parallel park, that leaves me with just the one hour to kill.
-Paula Poundstone
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I don’t care how big the bed is, or how soft or hard it is. It’s impossible to sleep in a hotel. Just try to close those curtains. That must be a big joke with the contractors. All of them leave that one-inch slit down the middle. No matter where you lie, the light finds you. Like that picture of Jesus where the eyes follow you.
-Louie Anderson
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Smoking is, as far as I’m concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
-Fran Lebowitz
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The uses of tobacco aren’t obvious right off the bat. You shred it up, put it on a piece of paper, roll it up, and stick it between your lips… and set fire to it. Then you inhale the smoke. You could stand in front of your fireplace and have the same thing going.
-Bob Newhart
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I don’t smoke. I don’t even understand what the point is. All I can tell is that these people are addicted to blowing smoke out of their faces. It’s not even a good trick. If you could blow smoke out of your face without everyone knowing where it came from, that would be impressive.
-Brad Stine
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This guy is puffing on a cigar the size of God’s ego, and he’s blowing the smoke in my face. I said, “Excuse me, but if I wanted to shorten my life, I’d date you.”
-Judy Tenuta
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I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.
-Todd Barry
