An Amish family goes to the mall.
The daughters and mother go shopping and the father and son stop in front of two shiny walls that are sliding apart.
An extremely large woman on a scooter rolls into the elevator and the shiny walls move back together.
The man and his son watch as the numbers above the elevator slowly light up until the highest number is illuminated.
Then the numbers begin to climb back down and the shiny walls once again part. A gorgeous blonde exits the elevator.
The father, still staring at the woman, whispers to his son "Go get your mother."
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I tell ya, I got no sex life. My dog watched me in the bedroom, to learn how to beg. He also taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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In a survey for Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy-five said they had sex once a week. Which proves that old guys lie about sex, too.
-Irv Gilman
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I’m a shopaholic. I especially like to shop for shoes, because I don’t have to take off the rest of my clothes. But if I do, I get a much bigger discount.
-Bea Carroll
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Here’s how a guy shops. He’s standing outside. He goes, “I’m cold.” He goes in the store, buys the coat, walks out. “I’m not cold anymore. Shopping is over.”
-Ritch Shydner
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She’s a bargain hunter, my mom. The other day she left with a few Coke containers, and came back with a sit-down mower.
-Margaret Smith
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I went shopping for feminine protection. I decided on a thirty-eight revolver.
-Karen Ripley
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I bought this hemp lotion from the Body Shop. It smelled great, so I rubbed it all over my body. An hour later, my thighs wanted a brownie.
-Lesley Wake
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Layaway I’ve hated since I was small. Go to the store, pick out the cool pair of pants, and Mama messed you up. “We’ll put in a dollar a week.” A dollar a week! It can take a whole life to pay off. You visit your clothes and watch them go out of style. Then, fifty-five years old, “I’m picking up the burgundy sharkskin pants, boys’ size six.”
-Sinbad
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The problem with the mall garage is that everything looks the same. What they need to do is name the levels like, “Your mother’s a whore.” You would remember that. “I know where we’re parked. We’re in your mother’s a whore.’ And your friend would go, “No we’re not. We’re in ‘My father’s an abusive alcoholic.’ ”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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A lot of couples shower together. It’s supposed to be romantic and sensual. Truth? One of you is not getting water. One of you, therefore, is not taking a shower. One of you is having a great time, one of you is going, “You got a sweater up there? Something with a hood would be nice. I would get it, but my ass is frozen to the wall here.”
-Paul Riser
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I tell ya, cleanliness, that’s what’s important. But some people are too clean. Like my uncle Louie. He used to take five showers a day, four baths a day. And when he died, as a tribute to my uncle’s cleanliness, the entire funeral procession went through a car wash.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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Someone gave me one of those gift sets, has the cologne, aftershave, soap-on-a-rope. I guess I need soap-on-a-rope for those times I’m in the shower, and want to hang myself.
-Jerry Seinfeld
