A man is on a long flight and he starts shaking.
A flight attendant notices he is disturbed and asks him if she can do anything to calm him down.
He says yes so she brings him a drink.
An hour later he is shaking again but even worse. So she gets him another drink and brings it to him.
Another hour goes by and now he is crying. The flight attendant approaches him and the man yells "Why are you people doing this to me?"
The flight attendant replies "Sir calm down, why are you so afraid of flying?"
The man replies "Flying? I'm trying to get sober!"
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In high school I had the worst case of acne ever. Although it really helped my grades because I never had those pesky boys dragging me away from the books. And I got extra credit in geology, because my teacher thought I had a model of the Grand Canyon on my face.
-Ann Oelschlager
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I studied the Constitution in high school, learned the Fourth Amendment. That’s the one concerned with search and seizure. For example, if my mother had searched my room, she would’ve had a seizure.
-Norman K.
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A lot of stuff in school you don’t appreciate till you get to be older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you’d pay good money for later in life.
-Emo Philips
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Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.
-Jay Leno
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Researchers at Johns Hopkins announced an incredible breakthrough in shoe science. Solving a puzzle that has eluded scientists for decades, they reported that it’s the left sandal that’s the flip, and the right sandal that’s the flop.
-Craig Kilborn
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Scientists say that your nose and ears continue to grow over the course of your lifetime. If that’s the case, Evander Holyfield might want to fight Tyson again just to get a trim.
-Jay Leno
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I know a guy who has such low self-esteem that he keeps his keys on him when he walks through the airport metal detector, just to get some acknowledgment.
-Daniel Lybra
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When my daughter was six she started asking embarrassing questions. Luckily, we had gotten her two hamsters, and about a week later she had four hamsters. So I explained that when a boy hamster and a girl hamster love each other, and make a commitment, they can have baby hamsters. A week after that she had twenty hamsters, so I had to tell her about incest.
-Jonathan Katz
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What’s the sexiest four-word sentence in the English language? It’s when a southern woman says, “Hey, y’all, I’m drunk.”
-Jeff Foxworthy
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You might be a redneck if . . .
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
-Jeff Foxworthy
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You might be a redneck if . . .
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
-Jeff Foxworthy
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You might be a redneck if . . .
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
-Jeff Foxworthy
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You might be a redneck if . . .
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
-Jeff Foxworthy
