A blonde woman goes to a shoe store and wants to buy some alligator shoes, but becomes angry when she sees the price.
She storms out of the store saying, "I'm going to catch an alligator and get my own pair of shoes!”
The shopkeeper laughs as he watches her leave.
Later as the shopkeeper is driving home, he sees the blonde in a swamp on the side of the road.
A 10-foot alligator is swimming right at her but she swiftly knocks the alligator out.
She drags it onto some grass where there are a dozen other knocked out alligators.
She flips it over and yells, "Ah! This one's barefoot too!"
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Hard to replace a great man. Coretta never met another man, because how you gonna add up to Martin Luther King? Martin was the greatest civil rights leader ever, and your ass is working second shift at the post office. You know she’d never let you forget it, “My first man had a dream, and you don’t even have a plan. He had a holiday, that you go to work on.”
-D. L. Hughley
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When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “ Give me a table near a waiter.”
-Henny Youngman
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
-Steven Wright
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Eating out is very expensive. I was in one restaurant, they didn’t even have prices on the menu. Just pictures of faces with different expressions of horror.
-Rita Rudner
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There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
-Steven Wright
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, “Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.”
-Lynda Montgomery
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You go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this, the story of a bill? “Once upon a time, somebody ordered a salad.” There’s a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
-Jerry Seinfeld
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I run into this guy I went to high school with I haven’t seen in ten years, and I ask him what’s going on. And he says, “I finally got an amp for my bass!” Which answers a lot of other questions, like, “Are you still smoking a lot of pot? Living in your mom’s basement?”
-Dave Attell
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I went to the thirtieth reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
-Wendy Liebman
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Roommates are tough. Even if you shared an apartment with the Pope, I guarantee that three weeks into it you’d be going, “Hey, you mind picking up the cape, man? And quit leaving the papal miter on the kitchen counter.”
-Jeff Foxworthy
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I had a roommate with Tourette’s syndrome, the disease where you shout out profanity at random. I loved this guy. I’d have him answer the door whenever a Jehovah’s Witness knocked.
-Wally Wang
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Three roommates, and nobody washes dishes in my apartment. I looked in the cupboard the other day, it was empty. I had to get out my Yahtzee game for a clean cup. Next time I’m thirsty I’ll be drinking out of the thimble from the Monopoly game.
-Dobie Maxwell
